Serenity and Surrender

I have carried the serenity prayer with me for over a year now. I received it with a necklace last year and stuffed it in my wallet. Every now and then when it falls out, I read it, then put it back. I don't know if I was really giving it much thought until the last 12 hours or so. 

I saved an actual image of it on my phone at 436 today. An hour later, during a meeting, I was given a card celebrating my sobriety and someone wrote the serenity prayer in it. They spoke about how important it is to say it often and don't forget it!

I now find myself sitting here, at almost midnight saying it over and over. I want this sobriety. I want this!! I am ready to surrender to this alcoholism once and forever, and believe that yes, my life is not manageable. I am ready to do the work because, quite honestly, I am exhausted fighting it. I cannot move on if I play the game of “some day.” I need life to be one day. One day at a time, living sober and doing the work to stay sober. 

Holy shit, am I scared to death. I look in the mirror and see a middle aged child; a child who has always criticized herself, and for some reason, believed anything negative that happened to her was deserved. It was her punishment. How fucked up is that? I cannot continue living like this. I am exhausted! I can't do this by myself. I can't because I don't have the confidence and strength. I'm not meant to do this alone. 

I need to take a leap and ask God to have my back. Don't let me ever pick up another drink. Teach me to believe I am worth it. I need to do this. I need to be able to look in the mirror and see the middle-aged woman that I am. I need to stop feeling exhausted from running. I need to feel like I am living. I have too much at stake to mess up what I have done so far. So I will sit here and say the serenity prayer again…

The f'ed up brain of an addict

 The hardest thing I have ever, ever done in my life is to stop drinking. A year ago, I was close to losing everything, including my life. A year later, most of the time I can manage, but I am discovering with other stresses, my addict brain gets fucked.  Thoughts in my head throughout the day could be mistaken for two different people. Two addicts at different stages in recovery. Instead, my friends, this is a typical day for me, lately. This is extremely frustrating to think all the time I've already invested and I fall back. I need help with managing for sure. 

Monday 7 am

Since Thanksgiving, my emotions have been on a nice little mine train roller coaster ride. Nothing too extreme, but not riding on an even keel. 

As I sit here finishing up my daily reading I am to do, and praying for strength in the new day, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my sobriety. I have experienced so much this year that would have killed me had any of it happened in 2014. 2015 I am able to be present. Not always easy, but learning to take one day at a time and be thankful for another day. 

It would be so easy to feel sorry for myself and drink. The loss of family and seeing others so close to me sick or dying. Coping with changes at home and in family. The difference is I have been learning to allow myself to feel the pain. Feel the pain and know it is okay to feel it and not run from it. Such a foreign concept from me. Learning how to do this for the first time as an adult! I don't want to be drunk and numb myself from the pain. I want to be present for my loved ones. Let me be their rock for a change. 

I may be new to this, but I don't want to go back to my old ways of coping. This too shall pass. All I can do is take it day by day.

Same day, 10 pm

Seriously, why do I feel like I need to make sure I can't handle alcohol again, just to make sure I answer Step 1 of AA properly. Step 1 should be so fucking easy. I feel I am powerless over it. That is until I started going to AA and listening to everyone else. It's as if I feel I need to try a drink one last time. Relapse to confirm my addiction. Tell me what that would prove or not prove. Tell me why, fuckin why, do I feel I need to make sure by having more! Fuck! 

I can't get out of my own head. Will I succeed if I don't know for sure if I'm an alcoholic? If I can't 100% say I am powerless over this shit and my life isn't manageable. Do I fail just for that? In all reality, I think my life has been falling together quite nicely, in recovery. 

Why do I have to declare my powerlessness and turn to a higher power? Why can't I find someone within AA with a story similar to mine to possibly help me not relapse? I didn't lose my family, go to jail, be forced to go to rehab.  

I'm not sure I can do this without never drinking again. Sure yeah just for fuckin today. My brain isn't wired to think like that!!! I have less than 2 hours left of today and I am so fuckin tempted to start over tomorrow.

All of this is so fuckin confusing to me. Why am I so confused? I want this fuckin gone. I am so,so, so frustrated!! 

I so want to throw in the towel. 

Stronger

I hate having dreams, as if I'm still heavily drinking, screwing up my life. Just about every night for the last three weeks, I have dreamt that I'm still a drunk wrecking havoc on everything and everyone around me. I've hid booze from my family, chugged beer when they're not looking. Been yelled at and turned away by loved ones. My boss even told me that I have been a screw up for years and he's just "buying time."  

Waking up, I am relieved  it was just a dream. The devil is working overtime on me right now. He knows my stress level is high, that I'm working everyday, and dealing with family illness. He knows I want to stay sober and is trying to find that little crack to squeeze into my life. He wants me to give in to the way I used to be. He thinks I am weak. 

Little does he know, I may not be as strong as I want to be, but putting these dreams together, as only dreams, is a great reminder to me of exactly how I will not deal with stress. I will not drink, I will not fuck up my job and family! 

Little does he know my relationship with God is becoming stronger. I am thanking God for giving me the strength to deal with the stress and the "tools" to just ride the wave. The rough times will pass. I end each day thanking God for another sober day and helping me with any temptation that came my way. 

Does the devil know that it is hard for me to be present no matter the day or stress? Hell yeah. Does he know I wish I could drink like others just to distress? Hell yeah. Does he know I'm not capable of just one drink? Hell yeah. 

But I know all this, too. I will continue to live sober, learn new ways of coping with stress and be the best I can be, sober. I am doing the work and will wake up tomorrow knowing if I dream of drinking, it's just a dream! 

The devil will learn that his reminders only remind me that I have come a long way and do not want to go back to the pain of life a year ago. 

So.. Thank you God for being stronger than the devil. 

Here's what I'm realizing today, a new day with no desire right now for a drink, the devil will find me when I'm feeling weak, unsure of how to cope with the bigger picture, or just tired. He knows that for years, I was too weak and would give in to his ways. 

Everyday I'm sober, every moment I make it past a craving, an uncertainty of how to deal with my pain, I win. I win with God and my friends by me. Someday that devil is going to get tired and exhausted of fighting me. 

I will get stronger. I will struggle, but in the end, I will be stronger and better for it in so many ways. 

Learning how to emotionally cope properly, it's like riding a bike for the first time. It's okay to have training wheels on, as long as I keep working on it. I can't forget to do the work, that's when the devil strikes. It was a rough weekend, but I beat that asshole again. 

Today is a new day, gonna make it count. 

Planning a Drunken Night

When I was drinking, Tuesdays and Thursdays were always the hardest during the work week. Tuesday was the day that if I had overdone it over the weekend, I was done with my 2 day detox. If I hadn't overdone it, I was REALLY wanting to drink since I hadn't over the weekend (didn't happen that way too often). I would fight the devil, trying to tell myself I didn't need it, as the devil told me, “Go for it. You've gone so many days without it, don't you want it? You know you do.” Thursday were just too close to the weekend to wait. 

I would leave work at 3pm, praying I could get a few beers in before dinner, while I prepared dinner, during dinner and after dinner. I would try to play it off. I would have two six packs, one that the family would see and then the other that would be added to "fill in." I would hide the empty bottles that I had finished before anyone knew I had started, and then start filling in the half gone 6 pack with bottles from the second one. I would begin making dinner 2 beers in, but thinking no one would know. After that I would "begin” my night of drinking. 

I would have one or two before and during dinner. Then another one maybe after dinner. I may sneak down to the basement to chug one before everyone went to bed. By this time I would be on my way to being drunk and depressed so I would have some more. I would try to remember to sneak my empties out to the trash later since it was trash day on Wednesdays. 

I would always tell myself it was okay since I didn't work all day on Wednesdays and I was out of the store half the day. Wednesday mornings always called for lots of coffee and praying I remembered to throw my bottles away. Panic would overcome me. Did I put any empties under the couch? Did I leave one sitting out that would be a sign to the family that I continued drinking after they went to bed? 

Then the panic of who did I text and what did I say. Scanning my messages to see. Embarrassment and ashamed, I would text an apology. Praying I didn't fuck up a friendship or make a drunken call. 

I was exhausted, mentally. Wednesday nights I would often go to beer school after work. Always worked out I had a driver so why not. Near the end of my drinking days, I got to where I prayed, no one could go, just so I could rest my liver. Of course, that didn't last long either because Thursday would come and, well, it's just about the weekend, why not celebrate. Let's just say it was a rerun of Tuesdays just this time I had to think more about how to hide the bottles and know when the trash was full again, so I could sneak them in it. 

Those times were down right exhausting. It makes me sad to think of how much energy I spent to feed my addiction. Those who haven't experienced an addiction, pray you never do. Find help or put on the brakes if you find yourself putting so much thought and planning into getting your drunk on. 

How many endless nights, ruined for a lover that didn't love me back. Thankfully, those who truly love me have stuck around. I'm even more thankful, I don't have to plan out an evening of drinking. I can just be exhausted from my day to day activities of sober living :)

A sign?

In the last few months I had been having a lot of bad dreams and anxiety through the night. I had begun a new nightly routine to try to combat them, going to bed at the same time to release the day and say some prayers. 

It's been giving me time to be thankful for all I have, pray for my mom and my nephew's health and release the stresses from the day. 

Last night I had a wonderful, wonderful dream. All of the family was together. My kids, my nieces, nephews, brothers and sisters, mom and dad, mother in law and father in law were there, too. My  nephew who is battling cancer was there. He was literally running all over the place laughing and playing with everyone. His smile, larger than life, his laugh contagious. He would stop briefly, just to catch his breath, then take off again.  His little brother crawling and laughing at his big brother. My nephew was healthy, no sign of cancer or being sick! He was the life of the gathering!

I woke up with a smile and a tear or two! I love this dream!! I'll be saying more prayers tonight. Have a great day, everyone. I know I will! 

I Am Fine.

I am fine. Please don't think otherwise. Don't judge me, don't think I'm hiding, don't think I'm struggling, don't think I'm drinking, don't think that I don't care about my friendships. Please understand I am okay, and I do care. I just need to take care of me. 

I feel like disconnecting a bit. I'm tired of social media right now, sick of reading political crap from both sides of the fence, want to enjoy peace and quietness. I may not be commenting or liking posts, or making posts. All the same, I am fine and I do care what's going on, I just may not be checking as much. 

I work. I'm putting in more hours at work with the same amount of commitments, if not more, after work. I am fine. I am happy. I need to do things for myself to keep me this way. I am sorry if that scares or upsets you, but I truly need to put myself first. 

I am wanting to be there for my mom and dad more. The next few months are going to get busier. My mom's going to need more assistance, as is my dad. I need to prepare for this and not wait until last minute to have my act together. I will do this. 

I want to get healthier, both mentally and physically. This will take time and commitment. I need to make time to do this. I want to make sure my family and I are eating healthier. I want to exercise. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk or text, I just may not right away. I need to make time to exercise, read and write for my sanity, and to be pleasant towards others! 

I want to make time to reconnect with my husband. We have been so busy being parents, working and learning to adjust to our new life; sobriety and half-way empty house, we want to spend more time together. Funny, we are discovering we actually still like each other :)

I hope you understand. I will put myself first. I will do all I said. I will still text, talk and visit, but I will need to do it on my time for right now. Let me figure out how to put myself first and still be able to be a good wife, mother, daughter and friend. I promise I still care and will be there for you. I just have to be there for myself, too. I am not struggling in sobriety. I am living. Please understand. I appreciate everyone in my life, and I want to appreciate myself, too. 

Turn this heater off!!!

So seriously need to vent!  I am sitting under the heater at the salon getting color added for the first time in a loooong time and I so have a desire to just go chill with a beer. I hate this inner voice telling me to just do it and see how I feel. My anxiety is ampted under this thing. I'm feeling claustrophobic and just want to relax. It's a gorgeous day out and I could sit out on the patio of a favorite bar and grill and enjoy a cold beer. Damn it sounds so awesome right now!!! I hate this thing!!!

Then there's the logical thought of why after 250 plus days would I want to and what would it really lead to? I so wanna believe it wouldn't lead to relapse. Hell it would be relapse in some people's eyes. Could I stop at one or two and not do it again? Can't I just have one sip? Why don't I crave soda or anything else like this? I've been doing awesome with cravings and then BAM!  

Alright there's my vent! I want a drink and will romantasize about having one until this damn heater stops!!! After that I will pray I like the color chosen cuz I don't think I could fake it tonight if I don't!! 

It's been awhile since I've written. I've missed venting and writing about my life some, but life is definitely running away from me. This last week has been hell. I believe more than ever that I was meant to have over six months sobriety before my oldest left for college. If I hadn't, I'm pretty sure I would have relapsed by now. 

Man, how hard it is to stay strong when your kid is struggling. I just want to take these obstacles away from her. The school experience itself is wonderful, other girls, not so much. I am so incredibly drained. I am trying so damn hard to stay calm and not panic or cause more anxiety for her. No one deserves to be treated the way my girl has in the first month of school, not by new friends, but roommates. If only these mean girls could see that she may be different then many her age, but treat her with respect and she will give you the world. Unfortunately, bullying must be a common trait of others her age. A year ago, I would have drank myself to oblivion trying to run from the pain of hearing my daughter being treated so unfairly. 

This kid seriously doesn't have a bad bone in her body. All she desires is to be able to share a room with a roommate who respects her space and understands what compromise is. If I could I would be there right now telling these roommates to grow up. 

Momma bear wants to save my little cub. She is trying so hard to handle it herself, but admitted to me that she is starting to feel really anxious. I so so hope and pray that the next 24 hours finds a solution and my daughter ends up happy with the situation. 

To those girls who have no idea how to be kind, you have failed at being a descent human being and carma may be a bitch. To my daughter, I cannot be more proud of how you have handled the situation with continued kindness and in staying calm when I would be so tempted to tell them off. You are an amazing person with the biggest heart! Things will work out! 

Had to vent before I blow up!!

Could You Do It?

Could you give up something up you really, really like? Could you pick any time, and just do it? Not during Lent or the beginning of a new year.  Could you do it for a month just to support a friend? I often wonder if you did this, would it help you understand a bit more what I go through, everyday. 

Imagine giving up ice cream, soda or chocolate; doesn't have to be alcohol, just something you really like and crave at times of stress or want in times of celebration. 

Maybe you could understand more what it's like for someone in recovery? Would you be able to go to a birthday party and not have a single piece of cake, even with others raving about the frosting? Would you be able to not snack at all after dinner, even when the rest of your family snacks nightly before bedtime. Could you go to the movies and not get popcorn or any other snack during the movie, but sit with others munching on popcorn and soda? How about a break room full of food and being expected to be there, but not be able to have anything?   

Now imagine this as not a choice but necessary to survive and not destroy your life. Imagine what it feels like to be excluded because some friends don't know how to be around you or they don't like the sober, healthier you.  Imagine having to stay sober or not eat chocolate, expected to be around it, and act like it doesn't bother you. This is my everyday. 

This isn't meant to make anyone feel guilty or sorry for me. I'm just sharing the difficulties I face everyday, not sharing with everyone I encounter that I am in recovery, but being expected, either way, to take part in interacting with others. I want to have a choice to be around it. Let me choose when I put myself in these  scenarios, but please understand when I choose to avoid. It's not to avoid you, sometimes it's just too hard to not partake with everyone else. 

Pissy

Funny when things change in my life, the emotions that arise. It pisses me off, ya know? Doesn't matter if it's happy changes, stressful changes, just changes in general. 

I deal so much better with it, sober, but I still get pissed that I can't escape or celebrate to numbness. I so want to escape sometimes. Escape from my head. Exercise helps with it sometimes. Sometimes talking to a friend. A real problem is when the weather doesn't allow for exercise, and friends aren't available. Hell, who knows what I would say anyways. Half the time I say I want to be alone. 

Having a day of emotions I suppose. I worry about my kids and their adjustments, I worry about my marriage. I haven't been the most present in the last few years. Busy escaping, you could say. Now it's as if I'm newly dating my spouse. How do we talk? How do I love? I've buried so much so deeply. Shit from years ago that I buried, it always has to creep up during change in my life. I allow myself to get pissed or down. Yes I want to escape. 

I will wait for the rain and lightening to pass and then see what the day brings. I will not drink, get drunk or allow this pissiness to hold on to me all day. I will pray I speak words of truth.  

One Year Ago

Some people remember specific dates and events. I remember most important dates and, well, some not so important ones, too. I can tell you the day my husband and I first kissed, the date he proposed. I remember most birthdays of my loved ones and deaths, too. 

Today I'm reminded that it was a year ago that Robin Williams died. No, he wasn't a loved one, but his death was a wake up call for me. I may have continued to hit snooze for a few more months, but the stirring began. 

I always loved Robin Williams. I thought he was a wonderful actor and so quick witted. My kind of friend. He was able to just light up a room with humor, sometimes maybe too much. Inside he hurt. He struggled with his own demons, but was all about making others happy. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to deal with those demons and took his life. He brought attention to suicide. Many questioned how someone could do that to their loved ones. How selfish he was. I remember getting really upset. He was always happy, how could he be depressed? Couldn't anybody see that depression can be so unbearable that sometimes one feels suicide is the only option?  Was I the only one out of so many friends and family members that had ever thought about it? Did they not realize what they were saying to me, someone who had some of the same thoughts as Robin Williams. 

Then as the media reported more and more on his life, discussions began about how mental illness is just that, an illness. For me personally, around this time, I made the choice to go to counseling. I'm proud to say that I am still going to this day. It's okay to reach out and ask for help. It's okay to say help me, I'm dying inside. 

In the year since Robin Williams died, I have learned to talk to those who will help me, wether it be my counselor, my family or friends. I've learned that God loves me and is not ashamed of me and I shouldn't be ashamed of myself. I've learned that taking medicine for my depression is okay, and works when taken properly. I like myself again. I'm worth living and I will continue to properly cope with my depression, I will conquer and I will live. I won't do it alone, and it may not be easy all the time. 

I am thankful for the past year. I cry thankful tears today. 

Peace. 

High

So today was my day to bring in coffee for customer appreciation. I have this great double air pot and was going to fill it with coffee from home. Well, I got it half way filled and began brewing my last pot when the power went out. In a panic, I called my local bakery to get a portable to go. Great idea, except after picking it up, I realized I was probably going to have way too much coffee! 

Now this wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing if we were busy at work, but I sorta got carried away drinking it myself. Let's just say that I feel high or drunk and out of control physically. My body still feels “under the influence” and it's 430 pm!

No big deal right? Wrong! It is a big deal!! I'm not liking this feeling! I feel drunk and I don't like it!!! This is the first time in months that I have drank coffee and it had an affect like this. Early in sobriety I liked it. Now, not so much. 

This is another step towards liking sobriety.

See it's the little things! Happy weekend!

HOPE

Hope. To want optimistically, to desire very much, but without real assurance of the desire.

This word means so much to me. A month before I got sober, I bought myself a ring that simply said HOPE. I wore that ring everyday, rubbing the crap out of it. I would drink and twirl it. I wanted to stop drinking then, but just couldn't do it. The night I drank for the last time, that ring got a workout! Within a month, the ink was worn off on it, but I continued to wear it. I spun that ring around on my finger whenever my anxiety was out of control. It became a security. I could just look at it and be reminded to hope.

It wasn't just the ring, it was the word on it, engraved, but faded. I found myself hoping constantly. Hoping I could make it an hour, an afternoon, a day, a few days, a week, a month without a drink. Hoping my friends would understand, hoping people would still want to spend time with me. I hoped I wasn't a burden on my husband, my kids, my parents. 

As weeks became months something more was happening.  I was hoping and praying to God. Hoping that God would protect me and give me the strength I needed. Hope is the knowledge that we are being changed for the better as we trust in God's promises (Romans 8:28). It is the conviction that no matter the circumstances, God's plans for our lives are “for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11b NLT).

I wish I could truly explain how God began being part of this hope I had. I was beginning to feel God with me. A whole new feeling. I began, almost physically, feeling God's presence with me. Things I was hoping for began feeling attainable. I began feeling faith. 

Today, I am thankful for 200 plus days sober. Almost seven months! Thankful for having hope and a growing relationship with God. Honestly, if I had to get sober to have hope and develop a new relationship with God, then sober I will stay. Today more than ever, I feel a strength through God that my family will be okay. I can be sober and content. 

As for the ring, I still wear it, still twirl it, and I continue to hope. 

I Miss Being Numb

So I really want a drink today!  Why can't I find something that numbs me like a beer would? God, do I fuckin crave that tinglely feeling. That feeling of relaxation I could feel tingle down slowly from my head to my toes. As if all my problems became weightless and I didn't give a shit about anything, but myself. I miss just drinking the time away, avoiding the pain of the present and the past, and not thinking about the future. Just chillin listening to my music, reading or people watching. I miss sitting on a bar stool striking up conversations with strangers or talking about the latest beer release with my favorite bartender. I miss my friends. My Two Hearted IPA and Smuttynose. Oh how I dream. 

Then I wake up. I remind myself what I felt like when I drank, afterwards. The tinglely feeling gone. The pain of the past and present still with me, stronger than before, adding to it questions of how stupid I may have acted. What stupid things did I say or text? Who did I scare with my suicidal thoughts? God, how I lived with regret most of the following day, feeling like a disappointment to my family, thinking I was hiding all my pain from those closest to me. I believed I was a high functioning drinker. All for a few hours of numbness, and in all reality was I really numb at all?

Yes I am envious of those who drink, casually. I feel a part of me always will be envious. Just like I will always be envious of that skinny bitch who can eat whatever she wants and not gain a pound. There's a difference now, though. I remind myself that I don't know her story. She may have a struggle,too. I'm trying more and more to focus on what I have because I haven't picked up just one glass of beer. I tell myself I can't be a casual drinker. Some days it's easier than others. This is my life. This is my reality. It's what I do with the desire for that fuckin beer. For this moment I'm thankful I journal. A few moments to refocus and get a drink of water. 

Why Write?

I haven't written in awhile. Well on here, anyways. I've wondered if I should continue writing here. Questioned if it's necessary for me to put it here for people to read. I still write in my daily journal. Not daily, but often. 

What does this public writing give me? What is it that I want from writing here?  I think, for me, it is a way to share my story. To share with everyone what I went through at the beginning, and what I go through day to day. I stopped sharing because I questioned if anyone out there really cares to know my story. 

I'm realizing that maybe it doesn't matter, as long as I get it out, I don't need to care if it's read. You see, putting my thoughts and feelings in writing is just as important to me as going to counseling and recovery meetings. Don't get me wrong, I do hope people read, would love to receive feedback, but I don't need that to survive. So feel free to say hello, send words of encouragement or just like my blog. I have nothing to be ashamed of because this is my story. 

Sugar Binge!!!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I totally binged!  I've blown a week of moderation in the last 24 hours.  I have eaten about 15 homemade chocolate chip cookies! I feel like crap and I can't fall asleep because of all the dang sugar I have consumed!!!  All I can think about is I really, really hope I am asleep at this time tomorrow night. 

Sure, I'm blaming the cookie binge on being awake. In all honesty, I think my head was racing, too.  See, I went to my first group session tonight.  Two hours sitting in a room with a few strangers sharing our stories, our progresses and setbacks.  At first, I wasn't sure I even wanted to be there. I had been asked to join the group a few times, but was very adamant when I first began alcohol counseling that I was NOT a group kinda sharing person.  I finally realized that I needed to share with others like me. I quickly felt comfortable enough (thank goodness for the new anxiety meds).  Here's the thing, alcohol addicts come in all forms.  It doesn't matter what it is, but all of us have something to share that has put us where we are today.

I left the session, truly thankful for where I am.  I am proud of accomplishing more than 110 days without even a slip.  I have learned better coping skills, not just in not drinking, but taking my meds regularly and talking to my husband and friends honestly.  I am actually reading the Bible.  My emotional roller coasters are shorter and my sleeping is starting to improve (well...not tonight). You know what though.  6 months ago if I was up this late I would have been drunk, trying to sober up or texting someone because I didn't like myself and needed help.    

I'm still not anywhere close to where I want to be. I have trouble committing to anything over the weekends because, quite honestly, most of my friends are going to bars or each others houses to go drink and socialize.  I never know until that moment if I can handle it.  I get upset that others can enjoy alcohol without it being a problem for them. I worry about my future.  I worry that my kids may one day pick up a drink and like it and so on.  I also, know to stop myself now, because it is another day and that's all I need my goal to be. Another day....

Oh and I think I'm gonna go back to my group next week :)

Happy Hour?

Today was an interesting day. I went from feeling proud of myself celebrating 15 weeks of sobriety to being irritated listening to friends talk about their "good times" being out Friday night in the bars. 

I allowed the irritation to continue to eat at me. See, my husband was one of the friends talking of having had a "fun" Friday night. Happy Hour that continued until 1030 that, then turned into drinking water at the bar for the next two-three hours so he could drive home safely. I didn't think I was bothered at first, but when he got to sleep in until 930ish then took a nap after lunch, I couldn't take it. I had to exercise a little, but then I had to share with him how I was feeling. 

I was irritated more than anything that this was his first time tying one on since I had become sober. Sure he had drank, but not that much. It bothered me at first he was with all his co-workers (mostly young females) at one of our favorite hangouts. Then I reminded myself that I chose not to go. I knew it would be too hard. I had a quiet night that I enjoyed very much with the kids. I didn't have the hangover. That was something I needed to embrace. 

The conversation we had though needed to be had. I needed to let him know how I felt about him enjoying alcohol and how I was feeling with my sobriety.  I really didn't expect the conversation to take the turn that it did. Long story short. I was offered the opportunity to try a drink tonight and I said no. Yup, as we discussed how I felt about most everyone around me still being drinkers and the parts of it I was missing. My husband flat out asked me if I would like to try a drink now. I said no. I explained that I didn't want to without him joining me. 

Here's the thing, though. Through the evening I thought about it more and I don't want to throw out what I have worked for when it comes right down to it. I've asked the kids what they think and they don't really say. My husband "hopes" I can again. I began to realize through our conversation and reflecting upon it afterwards that I just may be beginning to believe in my sobriety as the better life to lead. 

Sometimes this is truly the hardest choice I have made in my life, but I need to remember all the reasons why. 

I rode out another wave. 

I want to survive this. I want to prove to myself more than anyone else that I am capable of living a life of sobriety and have peace. I want to have a day where my thoughts are not consumed with thinking about alcohol, anxiety and my past. I want a day I don't worry about the future and what it holds. 

I don't know if coming up on 100 days sober has caused my anxiety and the lack of the unknown to skyrocket. It has made me think more. I have come to realize I've been focusing on not drinking to prove I could do it for others, more than myself.  Yes, it's wonderful to hear my parents, husband and friends say how proud they are of me. Funny though, I'm not all that proud of myself. Don't get me wrong. I feel where I am now is an incredible feat. I just don't feel the ownership and needed commitment to keep going. Why? 

There's something that I have not done. I have not put myself first. I have put myself out there, trying to be the same person as before just not with a beer in hand. I'm going to events with friends, parties, celebrations. Some of it has been pretty easy actually. I have discovered what is hard. It's incredibly hard to be sober with those I feel closest to, those that know my story and my ongoing desire for sobriety. I have gone to dinner with family and friends and I have insisted I'm okay if they drink. I worried more about making sure they were comfortable and doing what they would normally do, then worrying about myself and how I feel. Unfortunately, I have discovered I can't do that every time. I need to be honest. 

For tonight though I won't think too much. For tonight as I meet family out at a sports bar, I will say I'm not drinking and pray for strength from above. I will pray no one makes a big deal of it. I pray I get there first, before buckets of beer are purchased to share. I will order my iced tea. I will appreciate seeing family from out of town and I will pray that I can be comfortable. Tonight, this moment, I feel I can do this.

Everywhere, Everywhere!!

Have you ever given up something and as soon as you do it seems it's everywhere? That's been my life these past few days. After discussing it with a friend who drinks without problems, I decided to unofficially keep a log for the last 24 hours or so.

First, someone please tell me why Penny needs to have a glass of wine in almost every episode of The Big Bang Theory?  NCIS two old guys bond over some whiskey. Great way to numb yourself, guys. 

I can't take it, so I start reading Facebook. Come to find out yesterday was Drink a Beer Day. Who knew? I had probably participated in that last year. Oh yeah, my favorite local pub is doing a fundraiser with lots and lots of beer giveaways. I know because they posted multiple times on Facebook and Twitter. 

Alright I'll go back to TV watch some ESPN. Beer commercials and restaurants who sell beer!  Next.  Channel, Bravo. Gotta be some entertaining there. Oh yeah Real Housewives of... They're all drunks! Hell, they even have a recovering alcoholic. So I choose to go to bed. Tomorrow's a new day right. 

So I wake up this morning ready to put all these thoughts of alcohol behind me for today. I can do this. I mean it's early morning. I'm getting ready for work, drinking my coffee and gonna catch up on the news. What do ya know, wine pairs really well with pasta. Just ask all the reporters on The Today Show!  Crist! I'll just turn the TV off.

Lucky for me I have a day out of the office. Just me and the radio chillin. I listen to all different stations when I'm in the car. First Luke is singing to me to "drink a beer" then "a guy walks into a bar." Alright no country. New station playing current music. I can do this nLet's see what's all the rage. Honey, I'm Good. Yup all about how he better not have another drink. He better get home. 

Thank goodness for iTunes.

I still have 6 hours to go to log. Yeah, I think I'll stop. 

Difficult Day Today

I am struggling!!! I'm exhausted of thinking. I'm exhausted, drained and sooo want a drink! How stupid does that sound?

Here I am, knowing what I could stand to lose if I drink any time soon or ever again, but I still want a drink! That's fucked up! 

I try to tell myself all the positives I have going for me. How blessed I am that I stopped drinking before losing my family, job or life. All I've lost is possibly a few friends. I should be able to deal with that and appreciate what I have done. What the fuck is my problem then?  

I know. I know. No one said it would be easy. It had just begun being easier though, then boom! Last week I had trouble with thinking my closest friends weren't being truthful with me. I questioned if they really thought of me as an alcoholic. In all reality I guess maybe I was too scared to possibly know the answer. 

I had trouble feeling like I was holding friends back from drinking in front of me. My husband hasn't had but a six pack total since I stopped! I have insisted I'm okay. What I discovered is maybe I'm not quite ready for those closest to indulge. I got upset with my father and a friend when in all reality they did ask if I was okay with it. Guess I didn't wanna say no for them, too. 

I don't know what to do to make myself and others comfortable around me. My anxiety has skyrocketed, my meds aren't working and exercising isn't cutting it. I do know after struggling all day at work and walking over 6 miles after work, that I have made it another day sober. Something I wasn't quite sure would happen earlier today. For that I will accept   today as a difficult day but a successful day nonetheless. Now I pray for strength as I close my eyes for the night. 

Facing Challenges Head On Without Regrets

It's been another good week overall. Had a few challenges, but honestly did not want to drink.

My first was while making dinner one night. We decided to have brats. I've always prepared brats simmered in beer. Old habit was to use a good beer, pour a half a bottle over brats and drink the other half. My husband needed to go pick up the kids and I was left to prepare dinner by myself. I grabbed one of his beers left over from the weekend and opened it. Not gonna lie, I love opening a bottle and hearing the escape of air. Doesn't matter if it's beer or soda. I poured half over the brats and sat the beer down. Then I picked it back up. No, I wasn't really tempted to drink it, I just looked at it and thought how odd it was that I really didn't have the temptation to take a drink. Being that it was Bus Light helped. I was, however, uncomfortable leaving it half full. Thought for a moment and then cranked the heat and poured it all in. No need to throw it away when it can be used.

When the family got home we ate dinner. I was waiting for someone to ask me. I was surprised hubby didn't. Later, when I asked him if he was worried I may drink, he told me he never was concerned. He knew I wouldn't. I decided to embrace the fact he trusted me.

Friday, I decided to go to a ladies night. Free food and wine tastings. Let me tell you, I don't think there's anything that can get ladies more aggressive then food, wine and shopping! I went with a friend who knew I wasn't drinking. She was considerate enough that she wasn't going to drink, but I insisted I was okay. I was quite fortunate, the water and punch line was a lot shorter then the wine line! My friend and I had a good laugh at some of the ladies that spent their entire time getting back in line for more. The lady pouring even told them to try a different wine next time, it was a wine tasting after all. At one time, I probably would have been one of those ladies. Activities like these normally amped up my anxiety, the crowds and the cattiness. I thought I handled it quite well. Found a tasty punch and could drive home.

Last night was our neighborhood party. I had worried about if I was going to want to participate since the invite arrived. I was so worried everyone would be asking why I wasn't drinking. I was concerned it would bother me not being able to join in and that I would feel left out.

Since my husband was planning on not drinking I was a little more relaxed about the whole thing. I was ready to say I had a migraine if things got too much. I never felt the need. The first stop was more about the appetizers and games, then  the drinks. Next up almost felt like a frat party trying to get started. Irish car bombs and shots. Had fun laughing at the others and actually helped pour the shots. Honestly, I was thankful I wasn't taking part. The idea of beer, whiskey and vodka before being halfway done with the night…well I would have been sick for sure. Dinner was served at the next house and the basketball games were on, so I didn't feel the focus was on me at all. Last stop boozy desserts. I didn't have any. Honestly, this stop was the hardest for me, more so because I was ready to go home. No one seemed smashed, but there were a few who seemed on their way. I just wanted to get home to see the last of basketball and sleep!

Did I have any regrets? Not at all. I was already hurting Sunday from my arthritis. Lord knows it would have been worse had I indulged in the drinking. I felt slightly refreshed after waking up early and knew a hangover wasn't gonna be an excuse for laying on the couch. 

Looking back the only part that made me nervous was trusting that my name didn't come up in conversation afterwards or before I arrived at the party. I really didn't want my non drinking be a topic of conversation. It bothered me briefly, but then I decided that if they needed to talk, let them talk. I'm happy with where I am and where I'm going.

I Don't Drink

I'm beginning to like the way I'm feeling. Another week and I'm beginning to feel stronger mentally and physically. I'm trying to exercise more and attempting to eat better. One bad afternoon versus a few days feels like a great accomplishment. This past week I was able to share more with family.

I have decided to refer to myself as not drinking, rather than I can't drink. Saying I can't drink sounds like, at the moment I can't drink, but could lead others, including myself to believe one day, whether it's tomorrow or next year, I can.

I find saying that I don't drink is empowering. I've never said I don't drink. Well, when I was pregnant. I think it sounds like I am strong and want to be in control at all times. I'm choosing not to drink. I don't need alcohol to feel comfortable around others or to deal with my anxiety and depression. I've never in my life believed that, but I'm starting to believe it more and more. I am strong. I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. Granted I haven't put myself in too many situations, but I'm also finding other things I enjoy doing.

Pitty Party or Party Planning

This blog thing is so new to me! I had started this new post writing about being pissed and my reasoning. After writing a bit, I decided I needed to go exercise to get out of my funk. Fortunately, I was able to do just that, until I came home to finish this blog post.  Yup funny thing, sometimes you need to actually hit save to keep your work. 

So why was I pissed? Well, I was throwing a bit of a pitty party for myself. No worries, I didn't invite anyone else to join me. I was pissed that others are able to  enjoy a glass of wine or pint of beer and not have a problem. I was pissed that some people are able to decide not to drink and not feel like everyone sees a flashing light above them informing everyone in the room that they can't have an alcoholic drink. I was pissed that I may never get to enjoy a bottle of wine with a friend at sunset or participate in a beer festival. 

Thankfully, I wasn't able to stay at my private party for long. I had plans to walk so I got my ass to the track. As I walked with my friend, I started forgetting that I wasn't going to have that pint of beer. I started to not care, for today. Instead I looked forward to trying my tonic water and juice when I got home. 

What was really cool as I walked, was being reminded that when I used to walk every day with this friend (way back when), I wasn't drinking much at all. Those lattes truly were just that, no Baileys added:) My focus was on exercise and trying to eat healthier. 

Maybe doing activities from my past aren't all bad.  Here's to a new type of party.  Three days of exercise and many more in my future.

65!!

65 days completed without a drink! I want to shout it out to the world!  I am doing this! I am getting healthy; mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually! 

This journey sure as hell isn't a nice calm sail down the river. It's been a crazy roller coaster, but it's finally feeling a little more like the Mine Train than the Screaming Eagle! I'm learning to just ride the hills! 

When I started all this, I prayed just to make it through an afternoon, an evening, a day. Mentally and emotionally, I was a mess. I didn't know myself. I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want a drink at those times. I just wanted to run from my past.  Okay, I did want to drink sometimes after work or dinner. All of this was so hard to deal with and, honestly, I had no idea how to do it sober. 

Going to counseling and dealing with my problems sober; before, during and after counseling, is about as hard as it would be for me to run a marathon with one leg!  I'm feeling everything that I've avoided for 20 years, but I'm doing it with a counselor and incredible support team. I have had to grieve and relive all the pain, sober. 

I'm getting to know myself again. I'm beginning to like me. I'm proving to myself that I am fucking strong!  I am doing it all sober and I am surviving. I have grown more in the last 60 days, then I have in years! It is exhausting and draining, but I am doing it! 

Spiritually, I still question a lot. I have begun reading bible verses and finding support through God. How great is our God that he can forgive me for my sins, my mistakes and not judge me? I have a hard time wrapping my head around that, but if anyone can teach me about forgiveness and not judging, it's God. Someday, maybe I'll share how God fought to have a relationship with me the last few months. 

Physicall healthy? Nice weather and an extra hour of light in the evening, I hope I will have the desire to fight past my arthritis pain and exercise. When I'm exercising, emotionally I have always been better. I hope I can get in the mindset to make more positive choices in what I eat, too. It would be awesome if that bathroom scale starts showing smaller numbers!

Positive thoughts on the worst day of springing forward. Here's to sleeping better tonight then last night, and to a good week for us all. 

Hi My Name is....

42 years old and I am meeting my adult self for the first time! Emotions are huge! Will I like myself? Will others like me? Will I fit in with other adults? Will I be that junior high kid in an adult body staying home on a Friday night because nobody wants to hang with me? This my friends is what it feels like when I am sober. 

In the last 8 years, most of our social life has been centered around hanging with groups of people who drank. Going to bars to listen to music,to play pool or darts, drinking craft beer, driveway parties, pool parties, dinner parties, tailgating, etc. I never really paid much attention to the few who didn't drink, besides that they always seemed to be in a pissy mood and not socializong with everyone. What did they do? What did they drink? I didn't want to be like them! 

How am I going to be sober and fit in? All these friends have known me as a drinking friend. They may not like me as a sober friend? It's beyond an emotional time for me. 

Moving Forward

One thing I was never prepared for were the emotions and feelings that came with sobriety. It was so raw right from the first day of 100% sobriety. I hated it! I never, ever remember feeling so much and I just wanted to run away. My anxiety was so bad, I had trouble concentrating, sleeping, relaxing. 

I knew I needed to do this to get better, but had no idea if I had it in me. I needed my family and closest friends to know going to counseling was a positive step not a weakness. I needed to believe it was! I needed to share with them to keep me accountable and for support. Hell, I got here by not sharing and opening myself up. I needed to open up my deepest wounds and feel everything. I needed to do this without alcohol numbing me. Now that was the scariest of all! 

So much of my pain was pain I had never allowed myself to feel. I knew it was there, deep and buried, where I thought I could keep it. Every February it would try hard to come out, this last year, more then ever. That's another reason I drank more. Trying to bury it deeper! Stop bugging me! That's what I thought at least, until the last month or two before I quit drinking. I tried to talk about it, when drunk mostly. I knew I needed to heal, I just didn't want to feel it. 

When I drank to deal with my pain, I didn't feel it the same as in sobriety. I could wake up the next day and act like all was good. The more I tried, though, the harder and harder it got to act. I always had trouble with depression in the winter months, but it was finally too much.

Choosing sobriety, everything I had been burying for the last 20 years came front and center. Oh my, oh my, this sucked! The pain, I didn't know if I could truly do this. I couldn't go a day without crying, without questioning if I was strong enough. A few things that I have realized. One, sharing when I am drunk isn't fair to myself, but especially those who care about me. It is down right scary for them to hear some of my thoughts. Here's the incredible thing though. When I have the right friends and family willing to stand by me, if I allow God in my life, as clueless and uncomfortable as it may feel, and if I commit to the process, I can do this. 

 

Going to counseling twice a week doesn't allow much room to hide and avoid either. It's not that I wanted to, but I don't think in all my years in and out of counseling I ever devoted 100% of me. It hasn't been easy, that's for damn sure. I had times I felt my two counselors were talking behind my back (I know now they hadn't even spoken). Once I became committed to the process, the timing was right, and I began to feel I was moving forward, not stuck in the quicksand.  

First Steps

The few days that followed were nothing short of difficult. My husband drove up to Chicago that afternoon with my youngest daughter, to get me and talk with my friend. They had already planned that I would not drive. There was fear that I would hurt myself or just keep driving. Maybe it was justified. I was to be a passenger for the ride home. Embarrassment and shame overtook me. Looking back, it almost seems like the whole 24 hours was an out of body experience. My anxiety was out of this world. I was ashamed to be sharing with my family and, especially my girls. I was admitting that I was beyond helping myself. I felt weak. Little did I realize I was showing how strong I could be. 

My family was and is AMAZING. My husband and girls said they were there for me and that we would get through all of this together. I shared some of my history with them and that I had been going to counseling for depression. 

That Sunday, after waking up in my own bed, I loaded up all of the alcohol in the house and took it to a friend's house. No need for it to be there later, when I may feel like I was okay. Any extra temptations to go backwards weren't needed in this house now. I needed to look into counseling for the alcohol before I started believing I could do it on my own. 

The counselor I had been going to is really good for my PTSD, depression and anxiety but I knew she wasn't certified in substance abuse of any type. If I was going to prove that I can do this to myself, family and friends, I needed to do it right and get the right kind of help. I was so scared. What will they tell me?  I'm beyond out patient help? Will I find out that I'm too far gone to be helped? Will my work and neighbors find out I have all these issues?  Thinking of the future definitely kept the anxiety going. 

I scheduled an alcohol consultation and evaluation after a ton of issues getting through to someone. Anxiety once again skyrocketed when it was going to be almost two weeks from when I stopped drinking before they could get me in. I was getting angry. Everyone I spoke with asked if I had gotten in legal trouble and had insurance. It was as if I said yes to legal issues, they would see me right away. Come on I was a responsible drunk!! 😉

I don't know what was worse, my desire to drink or my anxiety about my life. The waiting game to find out what the next step was going to be, made me an emotional mess. I was trying to read bible verses and truly pray. How scary that was. Finally, after almost two weeks without drinking, I had my three hour evaluation. Again, I think they asked three times, three different ways, if I had gotten in legal problems or endangered my family. I felt like they were telling me I wasn't too bad. Not a bad thing to feel, but then again, I needed to know what to do next and not be given an easy out. 

After almost three hours I discovered one thing for sure. Some people can type really, really fast! Okay, I also discovered that maybe it would be good to talk to someone trained in substance abuse who also knows how to deal with my past. So began the two a weeks counseling. One for alcohol and then my other for PTSD, depression and anxiety. 

Was I ready for this emotional roller coaster I was about to jump on???  It didn't matter. If I was going to improve it was time to do this and be 100% honest with everyone especially myself.  I wasn't always confident, trust me, but I had to do this!

The Morning After

Back to the Chicago trip. Never in my life have I been so terrified to face my family and give in to my demons. Here I was a 42 year old mother and wife who truly was about to ruin her family. My friend told me again we needed to come up with a plan.  She got ready as I sat, ready to run (unable to since I still didn't know where my keys were). My friend could not afford to stay with me. She had a family she needed to get back to. I was ruining her day, she will never want to see me again, her husband would never let her visit me again. He's gonna think I'm fucked up when he hears what went down. Yeah, that's all going through my crazy head.

I came to the realization I needed to call my husband. When he answers I quickly  tell him that I think I have a problem. He asks what I mean and I say it for the first time sober. I think I may have a drinking problem. That's it! Oh shit! It's over! I've said it out loud. He's gonna be pissed!  He's gonna agree! He's gonna say he knew this was all gonna happen on this trip! My life is forever changed with this man! 

Did Ientiom I have a husband I've never felt I deserved. My amazing husband calmly said he loved me and asked what he needed to do. I didn't deserve this. I just wanted to crumble. I did just that. I don't remember how the plan came to be. I believe my husband and friend talked and worked it out that he would come get me. Oh shit! I was really digging a hole now!!! I was soooo anxious and scared now! This was all too real! 

My nervous pacing really began. The hotel room we had was just a small suite. Nothing big, room for a sofa and a bed and a sink. Not a lot of room to pace! My friend sat on the sofa. I didn't know what she was doing, writing, praying, cursing me? She turned on her Christian music. Stuff I don't really know (remember I don't know much about anything religious).

Well, as I was pacing I hear the words in the song that's playing, eagles wings and rising. I don't recall hearing many other words at the time. Never in my life have I ever, ever felt such an urge to surrender.  I felt as if God was taking a hold of me and begging for me to give in and allow him to care for me. I was struggling to stay on my feet. I had an urge to kneel. I was truly fighting my legs from buckling. I fell on the bed in a ball and cried. I honestly can not explain it. Since then, I have been trying to accept that God really wants a relationship with me. 

To this day, and the rest of my life, I will probably experience chills from that experience.

I will always believe that God sent this friend of mine to be the one to help save me from destroying my life. I had friends and family, some who verbally spoke up and tried to help me, some who were a little more passive. They all saw the problems, I know they did. I know I made it easy to convince them I was making an effort, too. God sent this friend, because she had the strength, through God, to deal with however I reacted. I was not kind, in reactions, physically and with words. She hadn't been around me in years when I was drunk so she had fresh eyes. I felt a ton of guilt for all I did. I know she acted with guidance from God and love. Most if all I know she has no regrets. I, am filled with gratitude. Gratitude for everyone who has been there for me, before and after this intervention. Extremely grateful for my husband and that weekend and God's plan. I'm working on the guilt 😉

A Little History

A little history of my last year and reasons for where I am. Why would someone who has a wonderful husband, two beautiful daughters, involved parents, a great group of friends and a secure job have so much depression and sadness?  

Honestly, I have dealt with depression most of my adult life. I was always a very sensitive kid. When I was happy, I was extremely happy, but when I was sad I could stay there for hours, sometimes days. As I got older and relationships began developing, I developed feelings quickly. The only problem,I kept it all inside, like I wanted to protect myself. In college, I got better, but started trusting people too quickly. Unfortunately, trusting quickly can backfire. Some friends that I thought would be huge supporters through crisis ran. Others said hurtful words to me. I was left alone.  I went back to my old ways of keeping things inside. I always questioned friendships after that. This would play a role in much of my life 20 years later. 

In the last year, my role as a mom was changing and I didn't like it. I wasn't needed in the same ways. I had babysat a little guy a few days a week that helped fill that void, but then that job ended. I had a hysterectomy that I needed and wanted, but brought the reality that we were done having kids. I lost three family members within a year, two of them being my grandmothers. I didn't allow myself to grieve. I drifted from a few friends that really meant something to me. I tried to be strong, but felt the opposite. I could feel myself slipping into a slump. 

I dealt with it all by drinking a little more. I didn't feel it was too bad most of the time.  I saved it for the weekends, but if I was invited to join in, rarely did I turn it down. As time went on, I noticed when I drank, I was beginning to drink until drunk. I began having moments where I would get extremely emotional. My anxiety was getting worse. I would shake my leg, rub my hands, scratch and pick my nails. I couldn't sit still and I knew it made people around me uncomfortable at times. I never related it to drinking and depression issues. I thought all my friends were judging me and I began giving them reasons to run like hell. 

 

Last winter, after learning more about someone from my past, my emotions began really getting the best of me. I talked more about counseling, but wasn't biting the bullet. My history with counselors pretty much sucked and I didn't have much faith in finding anyone that could help me. I questioned if I could even trust a counselor not to judge me. 

After a few trips this summer, visiting with friends and getting really drunk, I realized I had to go to counseling or I really was going to lose friends and possibly my family. After sharing with my husband that my baggage just wouldn't go away, it was time to "unpack." (I have an amazing husband that I don't think I have ever allowed myself to believe I deserve). 

I began going to counseling in August and I felt counseling was good for me. She was easy to talk to, easy to make appointments to be seen. I wasn't going to struggle to get in and, well, it didn't seem like she was prying too much. This was going to be a breeze. Ha, well, before long she wanted to see me weekly. We began digging to the heart of what my issues were. Damn, I had a lot of baggage, old baggage. Was I really wanting to do this? Was it worth unpacking stuff that hurt so badly? I got scared and began drinking after each session. That's healthy right??? I hated feeling the pain so why not numb myself. This was becoming my cycle.

And So It Begins

Pretty much after coming to an intervention/ awakening I realized that I had been attempting to 100% numb myself for the last year or two, the last six months especially! Demons from my past were so fresh in my head when I was sober and the only way I saw was to drink to numb or run to avoid. Not recommended when one is on depression/anxiety meds already and add arthritis medicine to the mix, my body began being affected due to my neglect. I was in a huge rut. I knew when sober I needed to do something, but was scared shitless that I wouldn't be able to do the work. 

I started counseling in August, thinking all would be solved. I learned, early on, counseling does nothing if you leave a session and go drink the pain away afterwards. A big waste of time and $$!

My autumn went on like this, then in November, I had a childhood friend/ family member begin to see through my walls. She began praying for me and telling me she would be a support for along with sending bible verses and prayers via text. 

I was convinced I was a horrible person, wife, mother, daughter and friend. She continued telling me if I embraced God, and truly spoke to him that I would discover he loves me and sees none of that. She also tried her darnedest to convince me I was a wonderful friend, mother, wife, etc.  (She definitely would be able to describe all that better).

In short, I got through the holidays, staying extremely busy with a house full for Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.  I could feel the depression getting more and more severe. I felt lost and didn't know how to ask for help. I began drinking more, by myself. 

My friend and I had a trip planned to meet in Chicago at the New Year. Shop, eat and drink. Reconnect! The first time we were gonna be without our families, and just ourselves since we traveled together two weeks after I had met my husband back in 1993! I couldn't wait!  I was excited to be together and share! We had been through so much together through our lives. She had been my “older sister” and my second family since I was 14! I wanted to share all that was going on in our lives. Who knew she would save me from myself? 

We arrived on a Friday around lunch and went straight to Portillos. I was sooo ready to have my Chicago hot dog and a big fishbowl of  beer to calm the anxiety that was OUT OF CONTROL during the 4 hour drive. (Through the last year, my anxiety had become quite severe. I was constantly antsy and uncomfortable in my own skin).  Little did I know the Portillos we chose was one of the few that didn't serve alcohol. That was fine. 

After eating, we went over to Binny's for our alcohol. Time to stock up on all the craft beer I wanted to bring home, and some for the hotel, too. Next stop, a beer place with lots and lots of craft beer. My favorite kind of place! We sat down and so began the flow of alcohol. Man that "not your dads root beer" was quite tasty, although I chose a few IPAs for myself! I was beginning to relax a little, feeling like it was like old times. My friend and I were together and she wasn't judging me. We were really having a good time, but needed to get back to the hotel before we would need a cab!

Back to the hotel to get in comfy clothes, order pizza, munch on awesome hummus and even more conversation. What a perfect night, right? Well, the first few hours were for sure. (Preface, my friend was raised Catholic, but left the Catholic Church as a young adult. She is now a pastor in a nondenominational church. She had had here on demons and lessons in learning forgiveness). 

As we visited that night, we had some wonderful conversations about the bible and the differences among religions. We spoke how forgiveness works in God's eyes. I was the one listening. I've never felt like I knew much about religion, even my own. It was nice to just be talking and not feel like I was being judged for my lack of religion knowledge or anything else for that matter. 

As the evening went on, I was really  starting to feel the effects of my craft beers and my friend, being the blunt friend she has always been, began asking more detailed questions about me. Oh shit!  She's gonna judge me! It wasn't gonna be easy to lie to someone who has known me more than half my life. I knew I wasn't going to be able to hide for long. My anxiety was getting crazy out of control. Rubbing my hands, rocking, drinking more. I was scared what was gonna happen? Do I share with her all my baggage? She knew most of it, in all reality. She'd been there through so much from years past, but this was too much. This was supposed to be a FUN girls weekend, not Jules has a shitload of baggage weekend! I remember getting mad and scared. I honestly don't remember all the conversation (remember that craft beer I was drinking for a few hours now)? 

Then my friend flat out asked me if I was an alcoholic. I couldn't answer. I was upset, scared, pissed. Really do we have to ruin a good time? You know, I'm hiding right?  I remember crying hysterically, hating myself more than anything. I vaguely remember getting pissed, throwing out pissy comments asking her to come up with bible verses for my behavior. Who knows when exactly, but she called a helpline. She prayed for me, she held me and she saved me from myself.

Sounds exaggerated? Not at all. I vaguely remember not wanting to answer, crying and saying I wasn't worthy of love. So much was my fault. How could God love me with all my issues? How could God not judge me when everyone else surely was? My friend was a rock. She kept throwing out support, her own words and bible verses.

I remember when she called the helpline, hearing her talking to the staff.  I got frantic someone was gonna come take me. I started throwing all my clothes and belongings together. I was gonna get the hell out of there. I wanted my keys to go hide in my car. I hadn't thought about driving I just needed to escape this situation! Run like hell! I wasn't gonna sit in a hotel and wait to be hauled off to a mental institute or detox. I was so upset I wanted my keys, but I couldn't find them. Unbeknownst to me, some time earlier in the night, my friend had taken them and hid them. 

After she got off the phone she insisted I was okay and no one was coming for me. No way!  I didn't believe her and really began panicking. I was out of control, my head racing my anxiety skyrocketing! No what? I've screwed everything up. How was I gonna explain to my family why I won't be home? I should have given in right then, but no I just continued drinking and crying. I don't remember how the night ended. Just an empty beer glass next to me. 

The following morning, or a few hours later, I woke up. I just wanted to sob. I got up and just sat on the couch wandering what I was going to do. Seriously, I was scared shitless. A very foggy head, sick to my stomach over what happened, scared because I couldn't remember everything and how things were left. How were things left? I couldn't remember the details but I knew things weren't good. 

The concern on my friend's face when she got up said it all. Fuck! I couldn't even look at her. I was pissed at myself and hurt but so, so, so scared and upset at what I just put my friend through. We didn't really talk at first. I felt horrible and was just praying she would be pissed and leave me to fend for myself. Another success for Jules, pushing a dear friend away. Why???

That's not how it went down, thank God. Instead my friend calmly told me she thought I had a problem with alcohol and depression and that I needed help. She said she was not leaving until we figured out the next step, together. Everything was still so foggy. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry!! I ruined the weekend. Things will never be the same between us or with my family. I could die. I could lose my job. Where do I start? I can't keep this secret anymore.