Here I am, knowing what I could stand to lose if I drink any time soon or ever again, but I still want a drink! That's fucked up!
I try to tell myself all the positives I have going for me. How blessed I am that I stopped drinking before losing my family, job or life. All I've lost is possibly a few friends. I should be able to deal with that and appreciate what I have done. What the fuck is my problem then?
I know. I know. No one said it would be easy. It had just begun being easier though, then boom! Last week I had trouble with thinking my closest friends weren't being truthful with me. I questioned if they really thought of me as an alcoholic. In all reality I guess maybe I was too scared to possibly know the answer.
I had trouble feeling like I was holding friends back from drinking in front of me. My husband hasn't had but a six pack total since I stopped! I have insisted I'm okay. What I discovered is maybe I'm not quite ready for those closest to indulge. I got upset with my father and a friend when in all reality they did ask if I was okay with it. Guess I didn't wanna say no for them, too.
I don't know what to do to make myself and others comfortable around me. My anxiety has skyrocketed, my meds aren't working and exercising isn't cutting it. I do know after struggling all day at work and walking over 6 miles after work, that I have made it another day sober. Something I wasn't quite sure would happen earlier today. For that I will accept today as a difficult day but a successful day nonetheless. Now I pray for strength as I close my eyes for the night.
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