Here's what I'm realizing today, a new day with no desire right now for a drink, the devil will find me when I'm feeling weak, unsure of how to cope with the bigger picture, or just tired. He knows that for years, I was too weak and would give in to his ways. 

Everyday I'm sober, every moment I make it past a craving, an uncertainty of how to deal with my pain, I win. I win with God and my friends by me. Someday that devil is going to get tired and exhausted of fighting me. 

I will get stronger. I will struggle, but in the end, I will be stronger and better for it in so many ways. 

Learning how to emotionally cope properly, it's like riding a bike for the first time. It's okay to have training wheels on, as long as I keep working on it. I can't forget to do the work, that's when the devil strikes. It was a rough weekend, but I beat that asshole again. 

Today is a new day, gonna make it count. 

Planning a Drunken Night

When I was drinking, Tuesdays and Thursdays were always the hardest during the work week. Tuesday was the day that if I had overdone it over the weekend, I was done with my 2 day detox. If I hadn't overdone it, I was REALLY wanting to drink since I hadn't over the weekend (didn't happen that way too often). I would fight the devil, trying to tell myself I didn't need it, as the devil told me, “Go for it. You've gone so many days without it, don't you want it? You know you do.” Thursday were just too close to the weekend to wait. 

I would leave work at 3pm, praying I could get a few beers in before dinner, while I prepared dinner, during dinner and after dinner. I would try to play it off. I would have two six packs, one that the family would see and then the other that would be added to "fill in." I would hide the empty bottles that I had finished before anyone knew I had started, and then start filling in the half gone 6 pack with bottles from the second one. I would begin making dinner 2 beers in, but thinking no one would know. After that I would "begin” my night of drinking. 

I would have one or two before and during dinner. Then another one maybe after dinner. I may sneak down to the basement to chug one before everyone went to bed. By this time I would be on my way to being drunk and depressed so I would have some more. I would try to remember to sneak my empties out to the trash later since it was trash day on Wednesdays. 

I would always tell myself it was okay since I didn't work all day on Wednesdays and I was out of the store half the day. Wednesday mornings always called for lots of coffee and praying I remembered to throw my bottles away. Panic would overcome me. Did I put any empties under the couch? Did I leave one sitting out that would be a sign to the family that I continued drinking after they went to bed? 

Then the panic of who did I text and what did I say. Scanning my messages to see. Embarrassment and ashamed, I would text an apology. Praying I didn't fuck up a friendship or make a drunken call. 

I was exhausted, mentally. Wednesday nights I would often go to beer school after work. Always worked out I had a driver so why not. Near the end of my drinking days, I got to where I prayed, no one could go, just so I could rest my liver. Of course, that didn't last long either because Thursday would come and, well, it's just about the weekend, why not celebrate. Let's just say it was a rerun of Tuesdays just this time I had to think more about how to hide the bottles and know when the trash was full again, so I could sneak them in it. 

Those times were down right exhausting. It makes me sad to think of how much energy I spent to feed my addiction. Those who haven't experienced an addiction, pray you never do. Find help or put on the brakes if you find yourself putting so much thought and planning into getting your drunk on. 

How many endless nights, ruined for a lover that didn't love me back. Thankfully, those who truly love me have stuck around. I'm even more thankful, I don't have to plan out an evening of drinking. I can just be exhausted from my day to day activities of sober living :)

A sign?

In the last few months I had been having a lot of bad dreams and anxiety through the night. I had begun a new nightly routine to try to combat them, going to bed at the same time to release the day and say some prayers. 

It's been giving me time to be thankful for all I have, pray for my mom and my nephew's health and release the stresses from the day. 

Last night I had a wonderful, wonderful dream. All of the family was together. My kids, my nieces, nephews, brothers and sisters, mom and dad, mother in law and father in law were there, too. My  nephew who is battling cancer was there. He was literally running all over the place laughing and playing with everyone. His smile, larger than life, his laugh contagious. He would stop briefly, just to catch his breath, then take off again.  His little brother crawling and laughing at his big brother. My nephew was healthy, no sign of cancer or being sick! He was the life of the gathering!

I woke up with a smile and a tear or two! I love this dream!! I'll be saying more prayers tonight. Have a great day, everyone. I know I will! 

I Am Fine.

I am fine. Please don't think otherwise. Don't judge me, don't think I'm hiding, don't think I'm struggling, don't think I'm drinking, don't think that I don't care about my friendships. Please understand I am okay, and I do care. I just need to take care of me. 

I feel like disconnecting a bit. I'm tired of social media right now, sick of reading political crap from both sides of the fence, want to enjoy peace and quietness. I may not be commenting or liking posts, or making posts. All the same, I am fine and I do care what's going on, I just may not be checking as much. 

I work. I'm putting in more hours at work with the same amount of commitments, if not more, after work. I am fine. I am happy. I need to do things for myself to keep me this way. I am sorry if that scares or upsets you, but I truly need to put myself first. 

I am wanting to be there for my mom and dad more. The next few months are going to get busier. My mom's going to need more assistance, as is my dad. I need to prepare for this and not wait until last minute to have my act together. I will do this. 

I want to get healthier, both mentally and physically. This will take time and commitment. I need to make time to do this. I want to make sure my family and I are eating healthier. I want to exercise. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk or text, I just may not right away. I need to make time to exercise, read and write for my sanity, and to be pleasant towards others! 

I want to make time to reconnect with my husband. We have been so busy being parents, working and learning to adjust to our new life; sobriety and half-way empty house, we want to spend more time together. Funny, we are discovering we actually still like each other :)

I hope you understand. I will put myself first. I will do all I said. I will still text, talk and visit, but I will need to do it on my time for right now. Let me figure out how to put myself first and still be able to be a good wife, mother, daughter and friend. I promise I still care and will be there for you. I just have to be there for myself, too. I am not struggling in sobriety. I am living. Please understand. I appreciate everyone in my life, and I want to appreciate myself, too.