High

So today was my day to bring in coffee for customer appreciation. I have this great double air pot and was going to fill it with coffee from home. Well, I got it half way filled and began brewing my last pot when the power went out. In a panic, I called my local bakery to get a portable to go. Great idea, except after picking it up, I realized I was probably going to have way too much coffee! 

Now this wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing if we were busy at work, but I sorta got carried away drinking it myself. Let's just say that I feel high or drunk and out of control physically. My body still feels “under the influence” and it's 430 pm!

No big deal right? Wrong! It is a big deal!! I'm not liking this feeling! I feel drunk and I don't like it!!! This is the first time in months that I have drank coffee and it had an affect like this. Early in sobriety I liked it. Now, not so much. 

This is another step towards liking sobriety.

See it's the little things! Happy weekend!

HOPE

Hope. To want optimistically, to desire very much, but without real assurance of the desire.

This word means so much to me. A month before I got sober, I bought myself a ring that simply said HOPE. I wore that ring everyday, rubbing the crap out of it. I would drink and twirl it. I wanted to stop drinking then, but just couldn't do it. The night I drank for the last time, that ring got a workout! Within a month, the ink was worn off on it, but I continued to wear it. I spun that ring around on my finger whenever my anxiety was out of control. It became a security. I could just look at it and be reminded to hope.

It wasn't just the ring, it was the word on it, engraved, but faded. I found myself hoping constantly. Hoping I could make it an hour, an afternoon, a day, a few days, a week, a month without a drink. Hoping my friends would understand, hoping people would still want to spend time with me. I hoped I wasn't a burden on my husband, my kids, my parents. 

As weeks became months something more was happening.  I was hoping and praying to God. Hoping that God would protect me and give me the strength I needed. Hope is the knowledge that we are being changed for the better as we trust in God's promises (Romans 8:28). It is the conviction that no matter the circumstances, God's plans for our lives are “for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11b NLT).

I wish I could truly explain how God began being part of this hope I had. I was beginning to feel God with me. A whole new feeling. I began, almost physically, feeling God's presence with me. Things I was hoping for began feeling attainable. I began feeling faith. 

Today, I am thankful for 200 plus days sober. Almost seven months! Thankful for having hope and a growing relationship with God. Honestly, if I had to get sober to have hope and develop a new relationship with God, then sober I will stay. Today more than ever, I feel a strength through God that my family will be okay. I can be sober and content. 

As for the ring, I still wear it, still twirl it, and I continue to hope.