HOPE

Hope. To want optimistically, to desire very much, but without real assurance of the desire.

This word means so much to me. A month before I got sober, I bought myself a ring that simply said HOPE. I wore that ring everyday, rubbing the crap out of it. I would drink and twirl it. I wanted to stop drinking then, but just couldn't do it. The night I drank for the last time, that ring got a workout! Within a month, the ink was worn off on it, but I continued to wear it. I spun that ring around on my finger whenever my anxiety was out of control. It became a security. I could just look at it and be reminded to hope.

It wasn't just the ring, it was the word on it, engraved, but faded. I found myself hoping constantly. Hoping I could make it an hour, an afternoon, a day, a few days, a week, a month without a drink. Hoping my friends would understand, hoping people would still want to spend time with me. I hoped I wasn't a burden on my husband, my kids, my parents. 

As weeks became months something more was happening.  I was hoping and praying to God. Hoping that God would protect me and give me the strength I needed. Hope is the knowledge that we are being changed for the better as we trust in God's promises (Romans 8:28). It is the conviction that no matter the circumstances, God's plans for our lives are “for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11b NLT).

I wish I could truly explain how God began being part of this hope I had. I was beginning to feel God with me. A whole new feeling. I began, almost physically, feeling God's presence with me. Things I was hoping for began feeling attainable. I began feeling faith. 

Today, I am thankful for 200 plus days sober. Almost seven months! Thankful for having hope and a growing relationship with God. Honestly, if I had to get sober to have hope and develop a new relationship with God, then sober I will stay. Today more than ever, I feel a strength through God that my family will be okay. I can be sober and content. 

As for the ring, I still wear it, still twirl it, and I continue to hope.