Serenity and Surrender

I have carried the serenity prayer with me for over a year now. I received it with a necklace last year and stuffed it in my wallet. Every now and then when it falls out, I read it, then put it back. I don't know if I was really giving it much thought until the last 12 hours or so. 

I saved an actual image of it on my phone at 436 today. An hour later, during a meeting, I was given a card celebrating my sobriety and someone wrote the serenity prayer in it. They spoke about how important it is to say it often and don't forget it!

I now find myself sitting here, at almost midnight saying it over and over. I want this sobriety. I want this!! I am ready to surrender to this alcoholism once and forever, and believe that yes, my life is not manageable. I am ready to do the work because, quite honestly, I am exhausted fighting it. I cannot move on if I play the game of “some day.” I need life to be one day. One day at a time, living sober and doing the work to stay sober. 

Holy shit, am I scared to death. I look in the mirror and see a middle aged child; a child who has always criticized herself, and for some reason, believed anything negative that happened to her was deserved. It was her punishment. How fucked up is that? I cannot continue living like this. I am exhausted! I can't do this by myself. I can't because I don't have the confidence and strength. I'm not meant to do this alone. 

I need to take a leap and ask God to have my back. Don't let me ever pick up another drink. Teach me to believe I am worth it. I need to do this. I need to be able to look in the mirror and see the middle-aged woman that I am. I need to stop feeling exhausted from running. I need to feel like I am living. I have too much at stake to mess up what I have done so far. So I will sit here and say the serenity prayer again…

The f'ed up brain of an addict

 The hardest thing I have ever, ever done in my life is to stop drinking. A year ago, I was close to losing everything, including my life. A year later, most of the time I can manage, but I am discovering with other stresses, my addict brain gets fucked.  Thoughts in my head throughout the day could be mistaken for two different people. Two addicts at different stages in recovery. Instead, my friends, this is a typical day for me, lately. This is extremely frustrating to think all the time I've already invested and I fall back. I need help with managing for sure. 

Monday 7 am

Since Thanksgiving, my emotions have been on a nice little mine train roller coaster ride. Nothing too extreme, but not riding on an even keel. 

As I sit here finishing up my daily reading I am to do, and praying for strength in the new day, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my sobriety. I have experienced so much this year that would have killed me had any of it happened in 2014. 2015 I am able to be present. Not always easy, but learning to take one day at a time and be thankful for another day. 

It would be so easy to feel sorry for myself and drink. The loss of family and seeing others so close to me sick or dying. Coping with changes at home and in family. The difference is I have been learning to allow myself to feel the pain. Feel the pain and know it is okay to feel it and not run from it. Such a foreign concept from me. Learning how to do this for the first time as an adult! I don't want to be drunk and numb myself from the pain. I want to be present for my loved ones. Let me be their rock for a change. 

I may be new to this, but I don't want to go back to my old ways of coping. This too shall pass. All I can do is take it day by day.

Same day, 10 pm

Seriously, why do I feel like I need to make sure I can't handle alcohol again, just to make sure I answer Step 1 of AA properly. Step 1 should be so fucking easy. I feel I am powerless over it. That is until I started going to AA and listening to everyone else. It's as if I feel I need to try a drink one last time. Relapse to confirm my addiction. Tell me what that would prove or not prove. Tell me why, fuckin why, do I feel I need to make sure by having more! Fuck! 

I can't get out of my own head. Will I succeed if I don't know for sure if I'm an alcoholic? If I can't 100% say I am powerless over this shit and my life isn't manageable. Do I fail just for that? In all reality, I think my life has been falling together quite nicely, in recovery. 

Why do I have to declare my powerlessness and turn to a higher power? Why can't I find someone within AA with a story similar to mine to possibly help me not relapse? I didn't lose my family, go to jail, be forced to go to rehab.  

I'm not sure I can do this without never drinking again. Sure yeah just for fuckin today. My brain isn't wired to think like that!!! I have less than 2 hours left of today and I am so fuckin tempted to start over tomorrow.

All of this is so fuckin confusing to me. Why am I so confused? I want this fuckin gone. I am so,so, so frustrated!! 

I so want to throw in the towel.