Sugar Binge!!!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I totally binged!  I've blown a week of moderation in the last 24 hours.  I have eaten about 15 homemade chocolate chip cookies! I feel like crap and I can't fall asleep because of all the dang sugar I have consumed!!!  All I can think about is I really, really hope I am asleep at this time tomorrow night. 

Sure, I'm blaming the cookie binge on being awake. In all honesty, I think my head was racing, too.  See, I went to my first group session tonight.  Two hours sitting in a room with a few strangers sharing our stories, our progresses and setbacks.  At first, I wasn't sure I even wanted to be there. I had been asked to join the group a few times, but was very adamant when I first began alcohol counseling that I was NOT a group kinda sharing person.  I finally realized that I needed to share with others like me. I quickly felt comfortable enough (thank goodness for the new anxiety meds).  Here's the thing, alcohol addicts come in all forms.  It doesn't matter what it is, but all of us have something to share that has put us where we are today.

I left the session, truly thankful for where I am.  I am proud of accomplishing more than 110 days without even a slip.  I have learned better coping skills, not just in not drinking, but taking my meds regularly and talking to my husband and friends honestly.  I am actually reading the Bible.  My emotional roller coasters are shorter and my sleeping is starting to improve (well...not tonight). You know what though.  6 months ago if I was up this late I would have been drunk, trying to sober up or texting someone because I didn't like myself and needed help.    

I'm still not anywhere close to where I want to be. I have trouble committing to anything over the weekends because, quite honestly, most of my friends are going to bars or each others houses to go drink and socialize.  I never know until that moment if I can handle it.  I get upset that others can enjoy alcohol without it being a problem for them. I worry about my future.  I worry that my kids may one day pick up a drink and like it and so on.  I also, know to stop myself now, because it is another day and that's all I need my goal to be. Another day....

Oh and I think I'm gonna go back to my group next week :)

Happy Hour?

Today was an interesting day. I went from feeling proud of myself celebrating 15 weeks of sobriety to being irritated listening to friends talk about their "good times" being out Friday night in the bars. 

I allowed the irritation to continue to eat at me. See, my husband was one of the friends talking of having had a "fun" Friday night. Happy Hour that continued until 1030 that, then turned into drinking water at the bar for the next two-three hours so he could drive home safely. I didn't think I was bothered at first, but when he got to sleep in until 930ish then took a nap after lunch, I couldn't take it. I had to exercise a little, but then I had to share with him how I was feeling. 

I was irritated more than anything that this was his first time tying one on since I had become sober. Sure he had drank, but not that much. It bothered me at first he was with all his co-workers (mostly young females) at one of our favorite hangouts. Then I reminded myself that I chose not to go. I knew it would be too hard. I had a quiet night that I enjoyed very much with the kids. I didn't have the hangover. That was something I needed to embrace. 

The conversation we had though needed to be had. I needed to let him know how I felt about him enjoying alcohol and how I was feeling with my sobriety.  I really didn't expect the conversation to take the turn that it did. Long story short. I was offered the opportunity to try a drink tonight and I said no. Yup, as we discussed how I felt about most everyone around me still being drinkers and the parts of it I was missing. My husband flat out asked me if I would like to try a drink now. I said no. I explained that I didn't want to without him joining me. 

Here's the thing, though. Through the evening I thought about it more and I don't want to throw out what I have worked for when it comes right down to it. I've asked the kids what they think and they don't really say. My husband "hopes" I can again. I began to realize through our conversation and reflecting upon it afterwards that I just may be beginning to believe in my sobriety as the better life to lead. 

Sometimes this is truly the hardest choice I have made in my life, but I need to remember all the reasons why. 

I rode out another wave. 

I want to survive this. I want to prove to myself more than anyone else that I am capable of living a life of sobriety and have peace. I want to have a day where my thoughts are not consumed with thinking about alcohol, anxiety and my past. I want a day I don't worry about the future and what it holds. 

I don't know if coming up on 100 days sober has caused my anxiety and the lack of the unknown to skyrocket. It has made me think more. I have come to realize I've been focusing on not drinking to prove I could do it for others, more than myself.  Yes, it's wonderful to hear my parents, husband and friends say how proud they are of me. Funny though, I'm not all that proud of myself. Don't get me wrong. I feel where I am now is an incredible feat. I just don't feel the ownership and needed commitment to keep going. Why? 

There's something that I have not done. I have not put myself first. I have put myself out there, trying to be the same person as before just not with a beer in hand. I'm going to events with friends, parties, celebrations. Some of it has been pretty easy actually. I have discovered what is hard. It's incredibly hard to be sober with those I feel closest to, those that know my story and my ongoing desire for sobriety. I have gone to dinner with family and friends and I have insisted I'm okay if they drink. I worried more about making sure they were comfortable and doing what they would normally do, then worrying about myself and how I feel. Unfortunately, I have discovered I can't do that every time. I need to be honest. 

For tonight though I won't think too much. For tonight as I meet family out at a sports bar, I will say I'm not drinking and pray for strength from above. I will pray no one makes a big deal of it. I pray I get there first, before buckets of beer are purchased to share. I will order my iced tea. I will appreciate seeing family from out of town and I will pray that I can be comfortable. Tonight, this moment, I feel I can do this.

Everywhere, Everywhere!!

Have you ever given up something and as soon as you do it seems it's everywhere? That's been my life these past few days. After discussing it with a friend who drinks without problems, I decided to unofficially keep a log for the last 24 hours or so.

First, someone please tell me why Penny needs to have a glass of wine in almost every episode of The Big Bang Theory?  NCIS two old guys bond over some whiskey. Great way to numb yourself, guys. 

I can't take it, so I start reading Facebook. Come to find out yesterday was Drink a Beer Day. Who knew? I had probably participated in that last year. Oh yeah, my favorite local pub is doing a fundraiser with lots and lots of beer giveaways. I know because they posted multiple times on Facebook and Twitter. 

Alright I'll go back to TV watch some ESPN. Beer commercials and restaurants who sell beer!  Next.  Channel, Bravo. Gotta be some entertaining there. Oh yeah Real Housewives of... They're all drunks! Hell, they even have a recovering alcoholic. So I choose to go to bed. Tomorrow's a new day right. 

So I wake up this morning ready to put all these thoughts of alcohol behind me for today. I can do this. I mean it's early morning. I'm getting ready for work, drinking my coffee and gonna catch up on the news. What do ya know, wine pairs really well with pasta. Just ask all the reporters on The Today Show!  Crist! I'll just turn the TV off.

Lucky for me I have a day out of the office. Just me and the radio chillin. I listen to all different stations when I'm in the car. First Luke is singing to me to "drink a beer" then "a guy walks into a bar." Alright no country. New station playing current music. I can do this nLet's see what's all the rage. Honey, I'm Good. Yup all about how he better not have another drink. He better get home. 

Thank goodness for iTunes.

I still have 6 hours to go to log. Yeah, I think I'll stop. 

Difficult Day Today

I am struggling!!! I'm exhausted of thinking. I'm exhausted, drained and sooo want a drink! How stupid does that sound?

Here I am, knowing what I could stand to lose if I drink any time soon or ever again, but I still want a drink! That's fucked up! 

I try to tell myself all the positives I have going for me. How blessed I am that I stopped drinking before losing my family, job or life. All I've lost is possibly a few friends. I should be able to deal with that and appreciate what I have done. What the fuck is my problem then?  

I know. I know. No one said it would be easy. It had just begun being easier though, then boom! Last week I had trouble with thinking my closest friends weren't being truthful with me. I questioned if they really thought of me as an alcoholic. In all reality I guess maybe I was too scared to possibly know the answer. 

I had trouble feeling like I was holding friends back from drinking in front of me. My husband hasn't had but a six pack total since I stopped! I have insisted I'm okay. What I discovered is maybe I'm not quite ready for those closest to indulge. I got upset with my father and a friend when in all reality they did ask if I was okay with it. Guess I didn't wanna say no for them, too. 

I don't know what to do to make myself and others comfortable around me. My anxiety has skyrocketed, my meds aren't working and exercising isn't cutting it. I do know after struggling all day at work and walking over 6 miles after work, that I have made it another day sober. Something I wasn't quite sure would happen earlier today. For that I will accept   today as a difficult day but a successful day nonetheless. Now I pray for strength as I close my eyes for the night.