I want to survive this. I want to prove to myself more than anyone else that I am capable of living a life of sobriety and have peace. I want to have a day where my thoughts are not consumed with thinking about alcohol, anxiety and my past. I want a day I don't worry about the future and what it holds. 

I don't know if coming up on 100 days sober has caused my anxiety and the lack of the unknown to skyrocket. It has made me think more. I have come to realize I've been focusing on not drinking to prove I could do it for others, more than myself.  Yes, it's wonderful to hear my parents, husband and friends say how proud they are of me. Funny though, I'm not all that proud of myself. Don't get me wrong. I feel where I am now is an incredible feat. I just don't feel the ownership and needed commitment to keep going. Why? 

There's something that I have not done. I have not put myself first. I have put myself out there, trying to be the same person as before just not with a beer in hand. I'm going to events with friends, parties, celebrations. Some of it has been pretty easy actually. I have discovered what is hard. It's incredibly hard to be sober with those I feel closest to, those that know my story and my ongoing desire for sobriety. I have gone to dinner with family and friends and I have insisted I'm okay if they drink. I worried more about making sure they were comfortable and doing what they would normally do, then worrying about myself and how I feel. Unfortunately, I have discovered I can't do that every time. I need to be honest. 

For tonight though I won't think too much. For tonight as I meet family out at a sports bar, I will say I'm not drinking and pray for strength from above. I will pray no one makes a big deal of it. I pray I get there first, before buckets of beer are purchased to share. I will order my iced tea. I will appreciate seeing family from out of town and I will pray that I can be comfortable. Tonight, this moment, I feel I can do this.