Serenity and Surrender

I have carried the serenity prayer with me for over a year now. I received it with a necklace last year and stuffed it in my wallet. Every now and then when it falls out, I read it, then put it back. I don't know if I was really giving it much thought until the last 12 hours or so. 

I saved an actual image of it on my phone at 436 today. An hour later, during a meeting, I was given a card celebrating my sobriety and someone wrote the serenity prayer in it. They spoke about how important it is to say it often and don't forget it!

I now find myself sitting here, at almost midnight saying it over and over. I want this sobriety. I want this!! I am ready to surrender to this alcoholism once and forever, and believe that yes, my life is not manageable. I am ready to do the work because, quite honestly, I am exhausted fighting it. I cannot move on if I play the game of “some day.” I need life to be one day. One day at a time, living sober and doing the work to stay sober. 

Holy shit, am I scared to death. I look in the mirror and see a middle aged child; a child who has always criticized herself, and for some reason, believed anything negative that happened to her was deserved. It was her punishment. How fucked up is that? I cannot continue living like this. I am exhausted! I can't do this by myself. I can't because I don't have the confidence and strength. I'm not meant to do this alone. 

I need to take a leap and ask God to have my back. Don't let me ever pick up another drink. Teach me to believe I am worth it. I need to do this. I need to be able to look in the mirror and see the middle-aged woman that I am. I need to stop feeling exhausted from running. I need to feel like I am living. I have too much at stake to mess up what I have done so far. So I will sit here and say the serenity prayer again…

The f'ed up brain of an addict

 The hardest thing I have ever, ever done in my life is to stop drinking. A year ago, I was close to losing everything, including my life. A year later, most of the time I can manage, but I am discovering with other stresses, my addict brain gets fucked.  Thoughts in my head throughout the day could be mistaken for two different people. Two addicts at different stages in recovery. Instead, my friends, this is a typical day for me, lately. This is extremely frustrating to think all the time I've already invested and I fall back. I need help with managing for sure. 

Monday 7 am

Since Thanksgiving, my emotions have been on a nice little mine train roller coaster ride. Nothing too extreme, but not riding on an even keel. 

As I sit here finishing up my daily reading I am to do, and praying for strength in the new day, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my sobriety. I have experienced so much this year that would have killed me had any of it happened in 2014. 2015 I am able to be present. Not always easy, but learning to take one day at a time and be thankful for another day. 

It would be so easy to feel sorry for myself and drink. The loss of family and seeing others so close to me sick or dying. Coping with changes at home and in family. The difference is I have been learning to allow myself to feel the pain. Feel the pain and know it is okay to feel it and not run from it. Such a foreign concept from me. Learning how to do this for the first time as an adult! I don't want to be drunk and numb myself from the pain. I want to be present for my loved ones. Let me be their rock for a change. 

I may be new to this, but I don't want to go back to my old ways of coping. This too shall pass. All I can do is take it day by day.

Same day, 10 pm

Seriously, why do I feel like I need to make sure I can't handle alcohol again, just to make sure I answer Step 1 of AA properly. Step 1 should be so fucking easy. I feel I am powerless over it. That is until I started going to AA and listening to everyone else. It's as if I feel I need to try a drink one last time. Relapse to confirm my addiction. Tell me what that would prove or not prove. Tell me why, fuckin why, do I feel I need to make sure by having more! Fuck! 

I can't get out of my own head. Will I succeed if I don't know for sure if I'm an alcoholic? If I can't 100% say I am powerless over this shit and my life isn't manageable. Do I fail just for that? In all reality, I think my life has been falling together quite nicely, in recovery. 

Why do I have to declare my powerlessness and turn to a higher power? Why can't I find someone within AA with a story similar to mine to possibly help me not relapse? I didn't lose my family, go to jail, be forced to go to rehab.  

I'm not sure I can do this without never drinking again. Sure yeah just for fuckin today. My brain isn't wired to think like that!!! I have less than 2 hours left of today and I am so fuckin tempted to start over tomorrow.

All of this is so fuckin confusing to me. Why am I so confused? I want this fuckin gone. I am so,so, so frustrated!! 

I so want to throw in the towel. 

Stronger

I hate having dreams, as if I'm still heavily drinking, screwing up my life. Just about every night for the last three weeks, I have dreamt that I'm still a drunk wrecking havoc on everything and everyone around me. I've hid booze from my family, chugged beer when they're not looking. Been yelled at and turned away by loved ones. My boss even told me that I have been a screw up for years and he's just "buying time."  

Waking up, I am relieved  it was just a dream. The devil is working overtime on me right now. He knows my stress level is high, that I'm working everyday, and dealing with family illness. He knows I want to stay sober and is trying to find that little crack to squeeze into my life. He wants me to give in to the way I used to be. He thinks I am weak. 

Little does he know, I may not be as strong as I want to be, but putting these dreams together, as only dreams, is a great reminder to me of exactly how I will not deal with stress. I will not drink, I will not fuck up my job and family! 

Little does he know my relationship with God is becoming stronger. I am thanking God for giving me the strength to deal with the stress and the "tools" to just ride the wave. The rough times will pass. I end each day thanking God for another sober day and helping me with any temptation that came my way. 

Does the devil know that it is hard for me to be present no matter the day or stress? Hell yeah. Does he know I wish I could drink like others just to distress? Hell yeah. Does he know I'm not capable of just one drink? Hell yeah. 

But I know all this, too. I will continue to live sober, learn new ways of coping with stress and be the best I can be, sober. I am doing the work and will wake up tomorrow knowing if I dream of drinking, it's just a dream! 

The devil will learn that his reminders only remind me that I have come a long way and do not want to go back to the pain of life a year ago. 

So.. Thank you God for being stronger than the devil. 

Here's what I'm realizing today, a new day with no desire right now for a drink, the devil will find me when I'm feeling weak, unsure of how to cope with the bigger picture, or just tired. He knows that for years, I was too weak and would give in to his ways. 

Everyday I'm sober, every moment I make it past a craving, an uncertainty of how to deal with my pain, I win. I win with God and my friends by me. Someday that devil is going to get tired and exhausted of fighting me. 

I will get stronger. I will struggle, but in the end, I will be stronger and better for it in so many ways. 

Learning how to emotionally cope properly, it's like riding a bike for the first time. It's okay to have training wheels on, as long as I keep working on it. I can't forget to do the work, that's when the devil strikes. It was a rough weekend, but I beat that asshole again. 

Today is a new day, gonna make it count. 

Planning a Drunken Night

When I was drinking, Tuesdays and Thursdays were always the hardest during the work week. Tuesday was the day that if I had overdone it over the weekend, I was done with my 2 day detox. If I hadn't overdone it, I was REALLY wanting to drink since I hadn't over the weekend (didn't happen that way too often). I would fight the devil, trying to tell myself I didn't need it, as the devil told me, “Go for it. You've gone so many days without it, don't you want it? You know you do.” Thursday were just too close to the weekend to wait. 

I would leave work at 3pm, praying I could get a few beers in before dinner, while I prepared dinner, during dinner and after dinner. I would try to play it off. I would have two six packs, one that the family would see and then the other that would be added to "fill in." I would hide the empty bottles that I had finished before anyone knew I had started, and then start filling in the half gone 6 pack with bottles from the second one. I would begin making dinner 2 beers in, but thinking no one would know. After that I would "begin” my night of drinking. 

I would have one or two before and during dinner. Then another one maybe after dinner. I may sneak down to the basement to chug one before everyone went to bed. By this time I would be on my way to being drunk and depressed so I would have some more. I would try to remember to sneak my empties out to the trash later since it was trash day on Wednesdays. 

I would always tell myself it was okay since I didn't work all day on Wednesdays and I was out of the store half the day. Wednesday mornings always called for lots of coffee and praying I remembered to throw my bottles away. Panic would overcome me. Did I put any empties under the couch? Did I leave one sitting out that would be a sign to the family that I continued drinking after they went to bed? 

Then the panic of who did I text and what did I say. Scanning my messages to see. Embarrassment and ashamed, I would text an apology. Praying I didn't fuck up a friendship or make a drunken call. 

I was exhausted, mentally. Wednesday nights I would often go to beer school after work. Always worked out I had a driver so why not. Near the end of my drinking days, I got to where I prayed, no one could go, just so I could rest my liver. Of course, that didn't last long either because Thursday would come and, well, it's just about the weekend, why not celebrate. Let's just say it was a rerun of Tuesdays just this time I had to think more about how to hide the bottles and know when the trash was full again, so I could sneak them in it. 

Those times were down right exhausting. It makes me sad to think of how much energy I spent to feed my addiction. Those who haven't experienced an addiction, pray you never do. Find help or put on the brakes if you find yourself putting so much thought and planning into getting your drunk on. 

How many endless nights, ruined for a lover that didn't love me back. Thankfully, those who truly love me have stuck around. I'm even more thankful, I don't have to plan out an evening of drinking. I can just be exhausted from my day to day activities of sober living :)

A sign?

In the last few months I had been having a lot of bad dreams and anxiety through the night. I had begun a new nightly routine to try to combat them, going to bed at the same time to release the day and say some prayers. 

It's been giving me time to be thankful for all I have, pray for my mom and my nephew's health and release the stresses from the day. 

Last night I had a wonderful, wonderful dream. All of the family was together. My kids, my nieces, nephews, brothers and sisters, mom and dad, mother in law and father in law were there, too. My  nephew who is battling cancer was there. He was literally running all over the place laughing and playing with everyone. His smile, larger than life, his laugh contagious. He would stop briefly, just to catch his breath, then take off again.  His little brother crawling and laughing at his big brother. My nephew was healthy, no sign of cancer or being sick! He was the life of the gathering!

I woke up with a smile and a tear or two! I love this dream!! I'll be saying more prayers tonight. Have a great day, everyone. I know I will! 

I Am Fine.

I am fine. Please don't think otherwise. Don't judge me, don't think I'm hiding, don't think I'm struggling, don't think I'm drinking, don't think that I don't care about my friendships. Please understand I am okay, and I do care. I just need to take care of me. 

I feel like disconnecting a bit. I'm tired of social media right now, sick of reading political crap from both sides of the fence, want to enjoy peace and quietness. I may not be commenting or liking posts, or making posts. All the same, I am fine and I do care what's going on, I just may not be checking as much. 

I work. I'm putting in more hours at work with the same amount of commitments, if not more, after work. I am fine. I am happy. I need to do things for myself to keep me this way. I am sorry if that scares or upsets you, but I truly need to put myself first. 

I am wanting to be there for my mom and dad more. The next few months are going to get busier. My mom's going to need more assistance, as is my dad. I need to prepare for this and not wait until last minute to have my act together. I will do this. 

I want to get healthier, both mentally and physically. This will take time and commitment. I need to make time to do this. I want to make sure my family and I are eating healthier. I want to exercise. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk or text, I just may not right away. I need to make time to exercise, read and write for my sanity, and to be pleasant towards others! 

I want to make time to reconnect with my husband. We have been so busy being parents, working and learning to adjust to our new life; sobriety and half-way empty house, we want to spend more time together. Funny, we are discovering we actually still like each other :)

I hope you understand. I will put myself first. I will do all I said. I will still text, talk and visit, but I will need to do it on my time for right now. Let me figure out how to put myself first and still be able to be a good wife, mother, daughter and friend. I promise I still care and will be there for you. I just have to be there for myself, too. I am not struggling in sobriety. I am living. Please understand. I appreciate everyone in my life, and I want to appreciate myself, too.