I Miss Being Numb

So I really want a drink today!  Why can't I find something that numbs me like a beer would? God, do I fuckin crave that tinglely feeling. That feeling of relaxation I could feel tingle down slowly from my head to my toes. As if all my problems became weightless and I didn't give a shit about anything, but myself. I miss just drinking the time away, avoiding the pain of the present and the past, and not thinking about the future. Just chillin listening to my music, reading or people watching. I miss sitting on a bar stool striking up conversations with strangers or talking about the latest beer release with my favorite bartender. I miss my friends. My Two Hearted IPA and Smuttynose. Oh how I dream. 

Then I wake up. I remind myself what I felt like when I drank, afterwards. The tinglely feeling gone. The pain of the past and present still with me, stronger than before, adding to it questions of how stupid I may have acted. What stupid things did I say or text? Who did I scare with my suicidal thoughts? God, how I lived with regret most of the following day, feeling like a disappointment to my family, thinking I was hiding all my pain from those closest to me. I believed I was a high functioning drinker. All for a few hours of numbness, and in all reality was I really numb at all?

Yes I am envious of those who drink, casually. I feel a part of me always will be envious. Just like I will always be envious of that skinny bitch who can eat whatever she wants and not gain a pound. There's a difference now, though. I remind myself that I don't know her story. She may have a struggle,too. I'm trying more and more to focus on what I have because I haven't picked up just one glass of beer. I tell myself I can't be a casual drinker. Some days it's easier than others. This is my life. This is my reality. It's what I do with the desire for that fuckin beer. For this moment I'm thankful I journal. A few moments to refocus and get a drink of water. 

Why Write?

I haven't written in awhile. Well on here, anyways. I've wondered if I should continue writing here. Questioned if it's necessary for me to put it here for people to read. I still write in my daily journal. Not daily, but often. 

What does this public writing give me? What is it that I want from writing here?  I think, for me, it is a way to share my story. To share with everyone what I went through at the beginning, and what I go through day to day. I stopped sharing because I questioned if anyone out there really cares to know my story. 

I'm realizing that maybe it doesn't matter, as long as I get it out, I don't need to care if it's read. You see, putting my thoughts and feelings in writing is just as important to me as going to counseling and recovery meetings. Don't get me wrong, I do hope people read, would love to receive feedback, but I don't need that to survive. So feel free to say hello, send words of encouragement or just like my blog. I have nothing to be ashamed of because this is my story.