Could You Do It?

Could you give up something up you really, really like? Could you pick any time, and just do it? Not during Lent or the beginning of a new year.  Could you do it for a month just to support a friend? I often wonder if you did this, would it help you understand a bit more what I go through, everyday. 

Imagine giving up ice cream, soda or chocolate; doesn't have to be alcohol, just something you really like and crave at times of stress or want in times of celebration. 

Maybe you could understand more what it's like for someone in recovery? Would you be able to go to a birthday party and not have a single piece of cake, even with others raving about the frosting? Would you be able to not snack at all after dinner, even when the rest of your family snacks nightly before bedtime. Could you go to the movies and not get popcorn or any other snack during the movie, but sit with others munching on popcorn and soda? How about a break room full of food and being expected to be there, but not be able to have anything?   

Now imagine this as not a choice but necessary to survive and not destroy your life. Imagine what it feels like to be excluded because some friends don't know how to be around you or they don't like the sober, healthier you.  Imagine having to stay sober or not eat chocolate, expected to be around it, and act like it doesn't bother you. This is my everyday. 

This isn't meant to make anyone feel guilty or sorry for me. I'm just sharing the difficulties I face everyday, not sharing with everyone I encounter that I am in recovery, but being expected, either way, to take part in interacting with others. I want to have a choice to be around it. Let me choose when I put myself in these  scenarios, but please understand when I choose to avoid. It's not to avoid you, sometimes it's just too hard to not partake with everyone else. 

Pissy

Funny when things change in my life, the emotions that arise. It pisses me off, ya know? Doesn't matter if it's happy changes, stressful changes, just changes in general. 

I deal so much better with it, sober, but I still get pissed that I can't escape or celebrate to numbness. I so want to escape sometimes. Escape from my head. Exercise helps with it sometimes. Sometimes talking to a friend. A real problem is when the weather doesn't allow for exercise, and friends aren't available. Hell, who knows what I would say anyways. Half the time I say I want to be alone. 

Having a day of emotions I suppose. I worry about my kids and their adjustments, I worry about my marriage. I haven't been the most present in the last few years. Busy escaping, you could say. Now it's as if I'm newly dating my spouse. How do we talk? How do I love? I've buried so much so deeply. Shit from years ago that I buried, it always has to creep up during change in my life. I allow myself to get pissed or down. Yes I want to escape. 

I will wait for the rain and lightening to pass and then see what the day brings. I will not drink, get drunk or allow this pissiness to hold on to me all day. I will pray I speak words of truth.  

One Year Ago

Some people remember specific dates and events. I remember most important dates and, well, some not so important ones, too. I can tell you the day my husband and I first kissed, the date he proposed. I remember most birthdays of my loved ones and deaths, too. 

Today I'm reminded that it was a year ago that Robin Williams died. No, he wasn't a loved one, but his death was a wake up call for me. I may have continued to hit snooze for a few more months, but the stirring began. 

I always loved Robin Williams. I thought he was a wonderful actor and so quick witted. My kind of friend. He was able to just light up a room with humor, sometimes maybe too much. Inside he hurt. He struggled with his own demons, but was all about making others happy. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to deal with those demons and took his life. He brought attention to suicide. Many questioned how someone could do that to their loved ones. How selfish he was. I remember getting really upset. He was always happy, how could he be depressed? Couldn't anybody see that depression can be so unbearable that sometimes one feels suicide is the only option?  Was I the only one out of so many friends and family members that had ever thought about it? Did they not realize what they were saying to me, someone who had some of the same thoughts as Robin Williams. 

Then as the media reported more and more on his life, discussions began about how mental illness is just that, an illness. For me personally, around this time, I made the choice to go to counseling. I'm proud to say that I am still going to this day. It's okay to reach out and ask for help. It's okay to say help me, I'm dying inside. 

In the year since Robin Williams died, I have learned to talk to those who will help me, wether it be my counselor, my family or friends. I've learned that God loves me and is not ashamed of me and I shouldn't be ashamed of myself. I've learned that taking medicine for my depression is okay, and works when taken properly. I like myself again. I'm worth living and I will continue to properly cope with my depression, I will conquer and I will live. I won't do it alone, and it may not be easy all the time. 

I am thankful for the past year. I cry thankful tears today. 

Peace.