Pissy

Funny when things change in my life, the emotions that arise. It pisses me off, ya know? Doesn't matter if it's happy changes, stressful changes, just changes in general. 

I deal so much better with it, sober, but I still get pissed that I can't escape or celebrate to numbness. I so want to escape sometimes. Escape from my head. Exercise helps with it sometimes. Sometimes talking to a friend. A real problem is when the weather doesn't allow for exercise, and friends aren't available. Hell, who knows what I would say anyways. Half the time I say I want to be alone. 

Having a day of emotions I suppose. I worry about my kids and their adjustments, I worry about my marriage. I haven't been the most present in the last few years. Busy escaping, you could say. Now it's as if I'm newly dating my spouse. How do we talk? How do I love? I've buried so much so deeply. Shit from years ago that I buried, it always has to creep up during change in my life. I allow myself to get pissed or down. Yes I want to escape. 

I will wait for the rain and lightening to pass and then see what the day brings. I will not drink, get drunk or allow this pissiness to hold on to me all day. I will pray I speak words of truth.