One Year Ago

Some people remember specific dates and events. I remember most important dates and, well, some not so important ones, too. I can tell you the day my husband and I first kissed, the date he proposed. I remember most birthdays of my loved ones and deaths, too. 

Today I'm reminded that it was a year ago that Robin Williams died. No, he wasn't a loved one, but his death was a wake up call for me. I may have continued to hit snooze for a few more months, but the stirring began. 

I always loved Robin Williams. I thought he was a wonderful actor and so quick witted. My kind of friend. He was able to just light up a room with humor, sometimes maybe too much. Inside he hurt. He struggled with his own demons, but was all about making others happy. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to deal with those demons and took his life. He brought attention to suicide. Many questioned how someone could do that to their loved ones. How selfish he was. I remember getting really upset. He was always happy, how could he be depressed? Couldn't anybody see that depression can be so unbearable that sometimes one feels suicide is the only option?  Was I the only one out of so many friends and family members that had ever thought about it? Did they not realize what they were saying to me, someone who had some of the same thoughts as Robin Williams. 

Then as the media reported more and more on his life, discussions began about how mental illness is just that, an illness. For me personally, around this time, I made the choice to go to counseling. I'm proud to say that I am still going to this day. It's okay to reach out and ask for help. It's okay to say help me, I'm dying inside. 

In the year since Robin Williams died, I have learned to talk to those who will help me, wether it be my counselor, my family or friends. I've learned that God loves me and is not ashamed of me and I shouldn't be ashamed of myself. I've learned that taking medicine for my depression is okay, and works when taken properly. I like myself again. I'm worth living and I will continue to properly cope with my depression, I will conquer and I will live. I won't do it alone, and it may not be easy all the time. 

I am thankful for the past year. I cry thankful tears today. 

Peace.