The few days that followed were nothing short of difficult. My husband drove up to Chicago that afternoon with my youngest daughter, to get me and talk with my friend. They had already planned that I would not drive. There was fear that I would hurt myself or just keep driving. Maybe it was justified. I was to be a passenger for the ride home. Embarrassment and shame overtook me. Looking back, it almost seems like the whole 24 hours was an out of body experience. My anxiety was out of this world. I was ashamed to be sharing with my family and, especially my girls. I was admitting that I was beyond helping myself. I felt weak. Little did I realize I was showing how strong I could be.
My family was and is AMAZING. My husband and girls said they were there for me and that we would get through all of this together. I shared some of my history with them and that I had been going to counseling for depression.
That Sunday, after waking up in my own bed, I loaded up all of the alcohol in the house and took it to a friend's house. No need for it to be there later, when I may feel like I was okay. Any extra temptations to go backwards weren't needed in this house now. I needed to look into counseling for the alcohol before I started believing I could do it on my own.
The counselor I had been going to is really good for my PTSD, depression and anxiety but I knew she wasn't certified in substance abuse of any type. If I was going to prove that I can do this to myself, family and friends, I needed to do it right and get the right kind of help. I was so scared. What will they tell me? I'm beyond out patient help? Will I find out that I'm too far gone to be helped? Will my work and neighbors find out I have all these issues? Thinking of the future definitely kept the anxiety going.
I scheduled an alcohol consultation and evaluation after a ton of issues getting through to someone. Anxiety once again skyrocketed when it was going to be almost two weeks from when I stopped drinking before they could get me in. I was getting angry. Everyone I spoke with asked if I had gotten in legal trouble and had insurance. It was as if I said yes to legal issues, they would see me right away. Come on I was a responsible drunk!! 😉
I don't know what was worse, my desire to drink or my anxiety about my life. The waiting game to find out what the next step was going to be, made me an emotional mess. I was trying to read bible verses and truly pray. How scary that was. Finally, after almost two weeks without drinking, I had my three hour evaluation. Again, I think they asked three times, three different ways, if I had gotten in legal problems or endangered my family. I felt like they were telling me I wasn't too bad. Not a bad thing to feel, but then again, I needed to know what to do next and not be given an easy out.
After almost three hours I discovered one thing for sure. Some people can type really, really fast! Okay, I also discovered that maybe it would be good to talk to someone trained in substance abuse who also knows how to deal with my past. So began the two a weeks counseling. One for alcohol and then my other for PTSD, depression and anxiety.
Was I ready for this emotional roller coaster I was about to jump on??? It didn't matter. If I was going to improve it was time to do this and be 100% honest with everyone especially myself. I wasn't always confident, trust me, but I had to do this!
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