Moving Forward

One thing I was never prepared for were the emotions and feelings that came with sobriety. It was so raw right from the first day of 100% sobriety. I hated it! I never, ever remember feeling so much and I just wanted to run away. My anxiety was so bad, I had trouble concentrating, sleeping, relaxing. 

I knew I needed to do this to get better, but had no idea if I had it in me. I needed my family and closest friends to know going to counseling was a positive step not a weakness. I needed to believe it was! I needed to share with them to keep me accountable and for support. Hell, I got here by not sharing and opening myself up. I needed to open up my deepest wounds and feel everything. I needed to do this without alcohol numbing me. Now that was the scariest of all! 

So much of my pain was pain I had never allowed myself to feel. I knew it was there, deep and buried, where I thought I could keep it. Every February it would try hard to come out, this last year, more then ever. That's another reason I drank more. Trying to bury it deeper! Stop bugging me! That's what I thought at least, until the last month or two before I quit drinking. I tried to talk about it, when drunk mostly. I knew I needed to heal, I just didn't want to feel it. 

When I drank to deal with my pain, I didn't feel it the same as in sobriety. I could wake up the next day and act like all was good. The more I tried, though, the harder and harder it got to act. I always had trouble with depression in the winter months, but it was finally too much.

Choosing sobriety, everything I had been burying for the last 20 years came front and center. Oh my, oh my, this sucked! The pain, I didn't know if I could truly do this. I couldn't go a day without crying, without questioning if I was strong enough. A few things that I have realized. One, sharing when I am drunk isn't fair to myself, but especially those who care about me. It is down right scary for them to hear some of my thoughts. Here's the incredible thing though. When I have the right friends and family willing to stand by me, if I allow God in my life, as clueless and uncomfortable as it may feel, and if I commit to the process, I can do this. 

 

Going to counseling twice a week doesn't allow much room to hide and avoid either. It's not that I wanted to, but I don't think in all my years in and out of counseling I ever devoted 100% of me. It hasn't been easy, that's for damn sure. I had times I felt my two counselors were talking behind my back (I know now they hadn't even spoken). Once I became committed to the process, the timing was right, and I began to feel I was moving forward, not stuck in the quicksand.