Back to the Chicago trip. Never in my life have I been so terrified to face my family and give in to my demons. Here I was a 42 year old mother and wife who truly was about to ruin her family. My friend told me again we needed to come up with a plan. She got ready as I sat, ready to run (unable to since I still didn't know where my keys were). My friend could not afford to stay with me. She had a family she needed to get back to. I was ruining her day, she will never want to see me again, her husband would never let her visit me again. He's gonna think I'm fucked up when he hears what went down. Yeah, that's all going through my crazy head.
I came to the realization I needed to call my husband. When he answers I quickly tell him that I think I have a problem. He asks what I mean and I say it for the first time sober. I think I may have a drinking problem. That's it! Oh shit! It's over! I've said it out loud. He's gonna be pissed! He's gonna agree! He's gonna say he knew this was all gonna happen on this trip! My life is forever changed with this man!
Did Ientiom I have a husband I've never felt I deserved. My amazing husband calmly said he loved me and asked what he needed to do. I didn't deserve this. I just wanted to crumble. I did just that. I don't remember how the plan came to be. I believe my husband and friend talked and worked it out that he would come get me. Oh shit! I was really digging a hole now!!! I was soooo anxious and scared now! This was all too real!
My nervous pacing really began. The hotel room we had was just a small suite. Nothing big, room for a sofa and a bed and a sink. Not a lot of room to pace! My friend sat on the sofa. I didn't know what she was doing, writing, praying, cursing me? She turned on her Christian music. Stuff I don't really know (remember I don't know much about anything religious).
Well, as I was pacing I hear the words in the song that's playing, eagles wings and rising. I don't recall hearing many other words at the time. Never in my life have I ever, ever felt such an urge to surrender. I felt as if God was taking a hold of me and begging for me to give in and allow him to care for me. I was struggling to stay on my feet. I had an urge to kneel. I was truly fighting my legs from buckling. I fell on the bed in a ball and cried. I honestly can not explain it. Since then, I have been trying to accept that God really wants a relationship with me.
To this day, and the rest of my life, I will probably experience chills from that experience.
I will always believe that God sent this friend of mine to be the one to help save me from destroying my life. I had friends and family, some who verbally spoke up and tried to help me, some who were a little more passive. They all saw the problems, I know they did. I know I made it easy to convince them I was making an effort, too. God sent this friend, because she had the strength, through God, to deal with however I reacted. I was not kind, in reactions, physically and with words. She hadn't been around me in years when I was drunk so she had fresh eyes. I felt a ton of guilt for all I did. I know she acted with guidance from God and love. Most if all I know she has no regrets. I, am filled with gratitude. Gratitude for everyone who has been there for me, before and after this intervention. Extremely grateful for my husband and that weekend and God's plan. I'm working on the guilt 😉
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