This journey sure as hell isn't a nice calm sail down the river. It's been a crazy roller coaster, but it's finally feeling a little more like the Mine Train than the Screaming Eagle! I'm learning to just ride the hills!
When I started all this, I prayed just to make it through an afternoon, an evening, a day. Mentally and emotionally, I was a mess. I didn't know myself. I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want a drink at those times. I just wanted to run from my past. Okay, I did want to drink sometimes after work or dinner. All of this was so hard to deal with and, honestly, I had no idea how to do it sober.
Going to counseling and dealing with my problems sober; before, during and after counseling, is about as hard as it would be for me to run a marathon with one leg! I'm feeling everything that I've avoided for 20 years, but I'm doing it with a counselor and incredible support team. I have had to grieve and relive all the pain, sober.
I'm getting to know myself again. I'm beginning to like me. I'm proving to myself that I am fucking strong! I am doing it all sober and I am surviving. I have grown more in the last 60 days, then I have in years! It is exhausting and draining, but I am doing it!
Spiritually, I still question a lot. I have begun reading bible verses and finding support through God. How great is our God that he can forgive me for my sins, my mistakes and not judge me? I have a hard time wrapping my head around that, but if anyone can teach me about forgiveness and not judging, it's God. Someday, maybe I'll share how God fought to have a relationship with me the last few months.
Physicall healthy? Nice weather and an extra hour of light in the evening, I hope I will have the desire to fight past my arthritis pain and exercise. When I'm exercising, emotionally I have always been better. I hope I can get in the mindset to make more positive choices in what I eat, too. It would be awesome if that bathroom scale starts showing smaller numbers!
Positive thoughts on the worst day of springing forward. Here's to sleeping better tonight then last night, and to a good week for us all.
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